Thursday, December 19, 2019
Snow is my enemy! Snow can trap me in my home, prevent me from getting places I want to go, and it needs to be cold to snow. Snow is beautiful and I do like to look at it; however, in my perfect world it would never snow on streets or sidewalks, then snow would not be my enemy (just the cold).
 
Alas, I live in the real world and even though snow often melts quickly in southern Colorado, sometimes it does not. It snowed Monday and, because it has been very cold, there is still a lot of snow everywhere even though we only got three or four inches of snow at most (in my part of town). A lot of snow makes getting places using a wheelchair difficult.
 
I do not usually have too much trouble using my wheelchair on the day it snows. The snow is usually soft and easy to drive on when it first falls. The snow problems usually start the second day. The snowplows clear the streets by pushing snow on the sidewalks and putting it in piles in front of sidewalk curb cuts. Those snow piles can easily be 12 inches high even with only three inches of snow. Then the snow freezes in giant ice chunks.
 
My biggest issue with trying to get around in the snow is using the bus to do so. Our bus system has a very inconsistent approach to snow removal at bus stops. We have had enough snow to shovel four or five times already this year. Each time the bus stop nearest my house had been shoveled. The first time, the cleared snow was piled on the sidewalk so instead of trying to drive on top of three inches of snow, there were eight-inch ridges of ice preventing me from accessing the bus stop. Fortunately, someone else was waiting for the same bus so I waited at the next driveway and the other passenger asked the bus driver to pick me up there. The other times, the snow has been shoveled into the trees and off the walking (rolling) path.
 
My closest stop does not get lots of traffic. I would be surprised if more than ten people a day get on and off at my stop, so I was impressed that it warranted snow removal this year. More than 50 percent of the time I am getting off the bus at the hospital for cancer treatment related appointments. The stop across the street from the hospital has never had the snow removed this year at all. Each time it snows I get to bump across icy ruts to get off the bus. I would be surprised if less than 40 people a day get on and off at this stop (many of them using wheelchairs and walkers), so I do not understand why such a busy stop is not cleared.
 
The other issue is that when a stop does have the snow cleared, only the stop is cleared. My closest stop is approximately 50 feet from the end of the block; there is eight feet cleared for the stop. This morning I got to bump over 45 feet of icy, packed, rutted snow to access the bus stop. It is only 15 feet from the other direction, but there was one of those lovely, six-inch tall, plowed ice chunks blocking the path.
 
I was planning to go to the bank today on my way home from my blood draw. I checked out the bus stops which I could use to get off the bus and two were not cleared and the bus would not be able to even put out its ramp. The third stop had several inches of plowed ice pack blocking the curb cut and I could not see if the stop was cleared from my angle across the street.
 
My piece of advice to you is to adapt when your surroundings will not. I have chemotherapy treatment tomorrow, so I can check the stops tomorrow on my way out to see if there has been enough snow melt off for me to access any of the three stops and go to the bank on my way home. If not, I have a shot at the hospital on Monday with three 50-degree days of ice melting in between.
 
Until next time,
​Susanne

Please check out my GoFundMe page.

Wednesday, December 18, 2019
I have finally started part one of my most important priority of my exceptional exit plan. My most important priority is recording video and written messages for my family. I am not writing individual letters to my family members; I am writing in my journal every day for all my family to see inside my head during my last years (hopefully). The video messages are the individual messages I will be leaving for my family.
 
I do not have a single video message ready for anyone in my family 77 days after I got my disappointing diagnosis. I have tried to start this task a couple of times. First, I needed to get to a space emotionally where I felt I could attempt to record the video messages and not cry each time; I got there in late October. Second, I had technical difficulties, which I worked through. Third, I had the nasty virus sweeping Colorado Springs, from which I recovered. Fourth, my seven-year-old, Mika, had Thanksgiving break and several snow days home for school. Fifth, I was preparing several weeks for a talk last week and it was not going well.
 
Today, I sat my video camera (attached to its mini tripod) in front of my computer and recorded three short videos; one for my older daughter, Megan, and two for Mika. I stopped recording after the three messages because, unlike using my webcam, I cannot immediately review the recordings to see what must be changed. I left my space heater running (because I was very cold), so the heater may be too loud and distract from my message and then I will feel the need to redo the videos.
 
I will watch the videos tomorrow once I have someone help me download them to my computer to review for okayness (I am not even remotely trying for perfection or even excellence). I will not be able to edit the recording into individual messages (I left the camera running for the entire short session) or record any new or replacement videos until after Mika goes back to school January 8th. That darn fourth excuse keeps rearing its ugly head.
 
I can spend some of the school holiday break deciding what I want to actually say for Mika’s birthday videos and then maybe I can get a jump on recordings once she starts back to school. I do not want to do a plain “Happy X Birthday, Mika” although I will if I take a turn for the worst and time becomes an issue. I want to give Mika a message that might be helpful for her specific age. I plan to work backwards so I should not need to do an 8th birthday message, so that leaves content for only 13 birthday videos to figure out.
 
I am currently mostly stumped as to what messages I should leave for my son; he has told me he does not want any video messages (Megan wants me to record a video for him stating she is my favorite). I have just two topics on his list. I have a few good ideas for my significant other. I am still working on a list of favorite memories of my siblings and parents for their recordings.
 
My mother would never need to record a video for me telling my why she loves me; she told me many years ago. Apparently, when I was very young, my mom was sick in bed and I made her cooked peanut butter sandwiches. Fortunately, I did not burn the house down, so she lived to tell me about it when I was in my teens or twenties.
 
My piece of advice to you is tell people why you love them. My mother was not sick when she told me the story of why she loved me (she was in a life-threatening situation when she thought of the biggest reason she loved each of her seven children). If my mother were to pass away tomorrow, I would still have that story to comfort me for the rest of my life. My mom loves me for other reasons too, but mostly for cooked peanut butter sandwiches.

Until next time,
Susanne

Please check out my GoFundMe page.

Tuesday, December 17, 2019
I have plumbing problems. I have been hearing weird noises in my plumbing occasionally when the upstairs toilets were flushed since Wednesday or Thursday. Saturday night (after I was in bed), the downstairs toilet overflowed. It was an all towels on deck situation. The plunger did not help at all. My significant other, Donald, tried to snake the line but the issue must have been farther than the 25-foot line he had. He let me know I would need to call a plumber the next morning.
 
Sunday morning, I visited a website of a plumber I have seen advertisements for on television for years. They had an online “schedule now” widget on many pages of their website and advertised no extra fees on weekends so I filled out the information and expected a call in a few hours. No one called or emailed me to schedule an appointment on Sunday.
 
Monday morning I was a little annoyed that I never received a call for two reasons; one, do not advertise you work Sundays if you are not going to respond to schedule requests and two, why do you have a “schedule now” widget on many pages of your website if you are not going to respond to schedule requests? I thought about calling another plumber, but I had already checked their complaint record with the BBB and read several bad reviews online to see how they responded. I did not feel like vetting another two or three companies I have never heard of.
 
When I called, I told the woman I wanted to schedule an appointment. She proceeded to ask me the same questions I had filled out on their online form the day before. I became a little more annoyed and asked, “Why don’t you look at the schedule request I filled out on your website yesterday?” (Annoyed Susanne is a little snappy.) The woman told me nothing had come through their system and she would look for it. I let it go at that and scheduled an appointment for the plumber to come today since they did not have an opening yesterday.
 
I, of course, had plans to go to a women’s networking group I belong to today. I emailed the managing director yesterday and said functioning plumbing was more important than socializing with friends and I would not be there today. I was bummed because I missed the lunch last month because I had that nasty virus that has a strangle hold on Colorado Springs this year.
 
The plumber was a little early (oh, maybe I can go to my lunch after all), and very respectful of my house. He even tolerated my big dog, Anakin, trying to jump on him and establish dominance. I apologized for my poorly trained dog. It took more than an hour to completely snake my main drain (so much for making it to my lunch).
 
I received a call from the plumbing company approximately two hours after the plumber left asking me if I was happy with the results from my visit. I explained I could not possibly know what the results were so soon. I had not washed a load of laundry, run the dishwasher, flushed a toilet (the plumber did flush an upstairs toilet), or taken a shower. She thanked me for my time and told me to call if I had any problems. I did not mind the call, I simply thought it was two days premature.
 
My piece of advice to you is to be a slacker sometimes. I could have gotten mad when I was not contacted on Sunday instead of being a slacker, because I did not want to vet other businesses, and calling the company on Monday. I think my plumber was very nice and he even filled up two milk glasses for me to drink because I was home alone. The milk made up for missing lunch (almost).
 
Until next time,
Susanne

Please check out my GoFundMe page.

Monday, December 16, 2019
It was a school snow day today. I am not going to lie, having my seven-year-old, Mika, home completely wrecked my plans for the day. I had waited in eager anticipation all weekend for the opportunity to edit the video of my speech from Wednesday and post it on YouTube to share with others. One of my friends had also given me a test copy of her reading my first journal page on video so I could post that on my YouTube channel.
 
Both videos mention my imminent death so I could not play either of them out loud with Mika home and able to hear the words. I was also planning to wrap Mika’s Christmas presents today. Such is life. I will move those tasks to another day and finish uploading and scheduling the rest of Mika’s LEGO Friends Advent Calendar videos to her YouTube channel today.
 
I decided to take advantage of Mika’s unexpected day off to have her start sorting her toys so we can begin moving them into her room. I am allowing Mika to do the first cut. She gets to choose what to keep and what to give away. Mika is giving away a couple of troll figures because she thinks they are creepy. We sorted two large storage buckets and ended up with about one third of one filled with give-away toys. We were able to toss a few broken toys, however her keep pile is still too large.
 
I plan to let Mika do the first cut through all her toys before I make a final cut and start organizing and allowing the sorted toys up to her bedroom from my lower-level great room. Mika is not a very focused child so cleaning (and every other task) takes much longer than it should. The first cut sorting of Mika’s toys is our project for the holiday school break, which starts Friday.
 
I confess, I am a mean mom. I am going to use Christmas to leverage Mika into getting her work done. Mika will get to unwrap her presents on Christmas morning; however, I will not let her open the presents until she finishes the first cut of all her toys. I know that may be cruel and unusual punishment, but we have five days before Christmas to get her toys sorted. If it takes longer than five days, Mika has been asking for breaks every 10 minutes or playing with each toy as she sorts it. Both scenarios are common occurrences.
 
I am also a mean mom because I have a house rule that holiday presents may only be opened one per day. That means if Santa brings Mika five to ten presents and she gets another 10 to 15 from family and friends, she opens presents well into January. I do the same for birthdays. I am pretty sure Mika may still have unopened presents from her last birthday. (I know we still have a do-it-yourself bath bomb set from her birthday.)
 
It will be interesting to see if Mika will be allowed to open a present on Christmas day or if it will be January before she gets to start opening and playing with her presents. I am hoping for the best because I want all her toys moved upstairs so I can start getting my stuff cleared out of my great room in January. I am looking forward to finally getting some of my mess out of my house, not just other people’s stuff.
 
My piece of advice to you is to look on the bright side. Yes, I did not get to do some tasks I planned today; however, I got an extra day to do Mika’s big holiday break project and I finished work I had planned to do tomorrow. Count your blessings whatever form they take.
 
Until next time, 
Susanne

Please check out my GoFundMe page.

Sunday, December 15, 2019
Old habits die hard. I catch myself doing the same tasks the same way even though I am ready to change. I have received several birthday and holiday cards in the past month. I look at them and then put them in my mementos box. Why am I still doing that? I have accepted I am not going to be an eighty-year-old woman reminiscing about her past; at least I thought I had.
 
My family is not ever going to want to look at birthday and other greeting cards I have received over the years. They probably do not want to look at the cards they have received that I placed in their memento boxes. Why do I keep putting the cards in the box instead of throwing them away after I read them? Eventually I will get to my memento boxes and throw most of those items away as I continue to work on clearing my clutter. Why do I think I need to keep filing items away now? All I can figure is that I must not have actually accepted my impending demise after all.
 
I know my time is short, and the excess sweating I have been experiencing since Wednesday has made me acutely aware that the three years I was hoping for may not even come close to my actual time left (not in a good way). However, I think my favorite friend, denial, still has a rock-solid grip on my unconscious mind and keeps sliding me back into my old behaviors.
 
I need to break out of my complacency and light the fire of urgency under my butt. I have very few items checked off my exceptional exit plan checklist. Have I recorded a single video message for my family? No. Have I cleared out a single room in my house? Sort of… I have gotten my older daughter’s, Megan, stuff out of the bathroom and her old bedroom. Have I gotten any of my paperwork in order? No; although I did add Megan to my safe deposit box so she can get the important paperwork in there.
 
The only task I have been on top of is my daily writing. In slightly more than two months I have written more than 45,000 words. I have been averaging a little more than 650 words per day that I hope will bring comfort to my youngest as she becomes a teenager and evoke happy memories for my significant other and older children. In the past two months I have not done enough to prepare to die.
 
Denial has allowed me to put my expiration date far into the future when it could be six months from now. I do not want to deal with everything right now. I want to still have a life while I am preparing to die. I do not want to be thinking about death every waking moment. Dr. Doom and Gloom had better figure out a treatment plan that does not keep me huddled by my computer heater or staying in bed because I am too cold and sweaty to function; and keeps me rolling for at least another 33 months.
 
At some point I need to admit to myself I simply will not have enough time to prepare even if I could hold out for another ten years. I could make Saturdays a work day starting in January until the end of April since it will be too cold for me to go on family adventures and I could get some friends to my house on a weekday (so we would not disturb my significant other with our endless chatter and no one might say the wrong thing where my seven-year-old, Mika, can hear). It is time to turn my three-year exceptional exit plan into a one-year exceptional exit plan and hope I make it that long.
 
My piece of advice to you is to adapt when life slaps you in the face. I will spend the next week planning a January through April clutter clearing calendar so I can ask my friends to help me make a noticeable dent in my mess. I am fortunate enough to have a lot of friends who will answer my call. We should all be so blessed.
 
Until next time,
Susanne

Please check out my GoFundMe page.

Saturday, December 14, 2019
We have two desktop computers at our house. I have an all-in-one computer that I use for work. Nobody uses my computer without my permission, which is almost never. My computer has a cracked screen because one of my dogs knocked it off my table two years ago. I use an all-in-one computer so I can take it with me when I travel (although I have only traveled to the hospital recently). My all-in-one computer is difficult to transport with the cracked screen because it is easy to cut your hands on the crushed corner.
 
I had an all-in-one computer before I purchased this one and I really liked it. I gave up the ability to have two monitors, but I got relatively easy portability. It was a Dell and it worked very well until many of my programs quit functioning on Windows 7. I bought an HP all-in-one computer because it was the only one at Best Buy with a large enough hard drive to store my client files and I have never liked it.
 
The factory keyboard would not work properly, and their support was useless when I contacted them. I ended up purchasing a new keyboard, problem solved. The screen cracked for no reason overnight after I had owned it for approximately three months. That was not a problem once I figured out how to shut off the touch screen (a task I never figured out on my Dell) because the cursor kept jumping to the crack. Since the screen was already cracked, I did not freak out two months later when my dog jumped on my table, knocked off my computer, and shattered the top left corner of my screen.
 
I have been looking forward to the day, a few years from now, when I could get a new regular desktop with two monitors. That is not going to happen. Even if this computer died tomorrow, I would not spend the money for a second monitor knowing I will not likely be around to enjoy it for long. I would get the minimum processing I need and continue to split my single (large) screen to work on two programs at once.
 
The other desktop computer is a regular tower/monitor combination. It is the family computer, although since my older daughter, Megan, moved out in September, my younger daughter, Mika, is the only one who uses it much. Mika loves to listen to music on YouTube, play Roblox, and draw with the Paint program. We have a rule that Mika must quit using the computer an hour before bedtime.
 
Last night, Mika got off the computer at the correct time. I was already lying in my bed because Mika gets to stay up an extra hour on Friday and Saturday nights. I thought Mika was playing with her toys for that hour as she does most evenings before she goes to bed. Until I got up this morning.
 
When I rolled out of my bedroom, I noticed the Paint program was open on my computer. I was prepared to give Mika a lecture about using my work computer and using a computer after her allotted time. Then I put on my glasses. Mika had created a beautiful I love you picture to start my day happy. My mood went from annoyed to grateful in seconds. Mika drew a picture of me (without my wheelchair) in one of the hearts with short hair, rolled up hands, and wearing black because it is my favorite color. Mika added blue because it is her favorite color. If that does not want to make you squeeze your child so tightly it hurts, I do not know what does.
 
My piece of advice to you is to learn when to bend the rules. Mika is a smart cookie. I am certainly not going to punish Mika for using my computer and using it outside of her approved screen time when she did it to create an I love you picture for me. Love trumps rules almost every time.
 
Until next time,
​Susanne 

Please check out my GoFundMe page.

Friday, December 13, 2019
My three-year dying plan may not make it that long. Wednesday was a great day. I presented at a businesswomen’s networking group I belong to, and I think I did a pretty good job. When I returned home, my upper body was covered in sweat. I had my significant other, Donald, help me take off my soaked suit jacket so I could warm up.
 
Excess sweating has been my number one symptom for my cancer. Aversion to food was my number two symptom. I still do not like many of my favorite foods anymore, but I do not hate everything. My excess sweating completely stopped this past summer, which is why it was so easy to believe my cancer was gone. The return of the sweating began in September and has been mostly manageable. I do not notice the sweating at home because I have a space heater blowing directly on me, drying the sweat off.
 
I have been able to leave the house and my shirt will get a little wet and I will be cold when I return, but I recover fairly quickly once I am home with a heater blowing on me. Until Wednesday. Half an hour after Donald took off my suit jacket and I started blowing a heater on me, my teeth were still chattering. I asked Donald to lay me down in my bed because I sweat less lying down than sitting in my chair. I also have a heater on both sides of my bed, so I can get double the heat.
 
I figured I was just having a bad day because I had been gone so long, until yesterday. Yesterday morning I felt sweaty sitting in front of my heater brushing my teeth. I had my monthly wound care appointment and left at 8:30 a.m. When I got home at 12:45 p.m., my shirt was wet down to my waistline. My helper is usually here on Thursdays, and she helped me remove my shirt so I could sit in my bra and dry off. We brought one of the heaters from my bedroom to place on the other side of my computer so I would not need to go to bed to warm up. It still took more than two hours before I felt warm enough.
 
This morning I felt sweaty while I was still lying in my bed. When I got to my chemotherapy treatment the top third of my shirt was wet. I was looking forward to my steroids. I got home about 12:15 p.m. with a still wet shirt and the steroids started kicking in. My shirt was dry (thanks to the heater) by the time I left to pick up my seven-year-old, Mika, from school for a doctor’s appointment at 1:00 p.m. The steroids stopped the sweat and I was able to get Mika to and from her appointment without any more sweat. I was simply chilly, not cold when we arrived back home.
 
Three super sweaty days in a row worries me. Am I going to die soon? I am not ready. I have accomplished very little of my exceptional exit plan. I am going to be really annoyed if that awesome farewell message I delivered Wednesday was the beginning of my end. I am concerned my new chemotherapy treatment is not affecting my cancer and we will need to switch to another one Dr. Doom and Gloom did not want to use on me because of a specific side effect that could cause more skin wounds.
 
I am going to need to step up my efforts to complete the tasks on my exceptional exit plan task list. Next week I should be able to finally start recording videos for my family. I am not sure what I will say once the camera starts rolling. A few of them will be easy, but I do not have a clue what I will be saying for Mika’s birthday videos. What will a nine-year-old Mika need to hear? What will a nineteen-year-old Mika need to hear?
 
My piece of advice to you is to simply get started. I am sure the fact that I am leaving video messages will be more important to my family than my actual words.
 
Until next time,
Susanne

Please check out my GoFundMe page.

Thursday, December 12, 2019
When I was a young mother, I had lots of energy. As an old mother, I feel I do not have any energy at all. I remember a friend of mine commenting how vibrant I seemed after the birth of my seven-year-old, Mika. He said, “She makes you feel younger, doesn’t she?” I responded that raising Mika made me feel old, because it was more draining to take care of her.
 
I was 27 when I was paralyzed and only concerned my two young children would feel left out of common childhood experiences because their mom was in a wheelchair. Every school break we ran the streets. We went to arcades, movies, and many child-friendly businesses long since closed. I was 43 when I had Mika and I still have not taken her to a movie.
 
Do not get me wrong, Mika and I run the streets in the summer, but I do not want to go out when it is cold anymore. For Thanksgiving break we did a whole lot of hanging at home. We did host a cookie date with three of her friends on one day, however that did not involve me leaving the house. I am taking her out one day for fun during Christmas break and we are hosting a play date. That is the extent of my plans. I am too set in my ways now to be preoccupied with overcompensating as a mother.
 
Mika has more access to electronic entertainment at home than her older brother and sister had. We have cartoons on demand with Netflix. Mika plays Roblox online and loves YouTube. Mika happily practices her piano. I record videos with Mika for her YouTube channel. We have a good time at home together and age has taught me being together is more important than which arcade you are at.
 
There two things I wish I could have done with my older daughter, Megan, when she was younger. Megan ran cross-country in high school; she also ran a few races when she was younger. Megan may have found a little more enjoyment in running if she had someone to run with regularly. All the children’s running clubs were in other parts of town (most of which were in wealthy areas not serviced by public transportation) and I did not have the means to get her to practices.
 
If I did not use a wheelchair, I think running would have been a good bonding experience with Megan. I could have been her running buddy. I did go to the high school track once or twice with Megan to help her work on pacing (I had a wheelchair that went 10 miles an hour and did not get tired), but it is not the same as running a trail together. So far Mika has not shown an interest in any kind of sport; that may change when her dad retires in slightly less than two years and has the time to take her to parks and recreation sports practices and games. We live in a neighborhood with a low number of children, so practices are not held in our area of town.
 
I have also never pushed Megan on a swing. There were not any accessible playgrounds when Megan was young, and swings always seem to be placed over sand or wood chips (still are at most playgrounds). If Megan wanted to swing, her older brother or dad needed to be with us, or she could not swing. Swinging may not seem that important, however it is the one task I most regret not doing with Megan.
 
My piece of advice to you is to remember you can occasionally right a wrong. Megan and I were talking a couple of nights ago and I mentioned that I wished I had pushed her on the swings as a child like I was able to do for her little sister. Megan asked me if the swings at the accessible playground would support an adult’s weight. Megan and I will make a trip to the accessible playground this summer so I will be able to push her on a swing for the first time. That will be one regret off my list.
 
Until next time,
Susanne

Please check out my GoFundMe page.

Wednesday, December 11, 2019
Today was full of excitement. It was our holiday Femtor meeting at one of the business networking groups I belong to. Our five-minute Femtor talks are designed for our members to share their bits of wisdom with our group. We usually have one Femtor speak each month. For December, four women were selected in a drawing to speak for five minutes. I was gifted ten minutes to present and was the fifth Femtor.
 
I woke up this morning resigned to the fact I would be reading my speech from my script and decided it would still be as well received as if I had managed to memorize it. My older daughter put some makeup on my face and tried to give my very short hair a mini mohawk. I had time to listen to my recorded speech one more time before I left the house. I put on my jacket and hat, crushed the mini mohawk with my hat, and rolled to the bus stop.
 
As I waited for my bus, it occurred to me I had left my house half an hour earlier than necessary. I have become accustomed to catching the 8:37 bus for my medical appointments and I remembered about one minute before the bus got to my stop that I wanted to be on the 9:07 bus. Oops, that is what happens when you get preoccupied by a speech that is not progressing as you hope. I boarded the 8:37 bus knowing I would need to wait half an hour between my second and third bus.
 
Sure enough, as I rolled off the ramp of my second bus, bus number three left the bus stop across the street and I would definitely be waiting for the next bus. Since it was still quite chilly, I rolled two blocks to 7-eleven and got a hot chocolate to keep me warm while waiting. I parked in a sunny spot and took advantage of the fact no one else was at the bus stop to rehearse my presentation out loud.
 
Something odd happened. Who knew hot chocolate was a brain booster? I recalled the entire speech without looking at my notes. I delivered a nearly perfect presentation to absolutely no one. Why was everybody not at that bus stop right then when I was in the zone? This morning at 8:30 my brain could not process my speech. At 9:45 my brain nailed it. Will my brain get it right again three hours later?
 
I was feeling pretty good about delivering my presentation by the time I arrived at my event at 10:45. I had planned to find a space and practice my speech until it was my turn to speak. No socialization for me today. I was feeling so confident in my presentation by this time that I did not feel the need to practice anymore. I visited the table vendors and chatted with my friends. I relaxed instead of stressing about my presentation.
 
I did not write a sad speech; however, the speech is about me dealing with dying. I have several funny lines in the presentation, and I do not think it would make someone who does not know me cry. My intent is to inspire people with my words. I presented to approximately 80 people and I have been friends with more than half of them for many years. I was concerned several of my friends might cry because they love me, not because my talk was sad. I was also concerned seeing them cry might cause me to cry and I am not ready to admit I am human yet.
 
At 1:00 ish, when it was my turn, I finally took off my jacket and hat (I was still cold). A friend tried to revive my mini mohawk, but it was not very noticeable. I took off my glasses so I would not see anyone’s face clearly. I was feeling so cocky about delivering my presentation, I left my script sitting on the table. I had this!
 
Fortunately, I did have this. I delivered a nearly flawless presentation. All those carefully crafted words flowed out of my mouth almost exactly as I wrote them. There was laughter; there were tears. I did not see the tears because my glasses were left at my table, however I could hear sniffing in the room as my talk progressed. People I do not know told me they appreciated my speech, so I believe I accomplished my goal.
 
My piece of advice to you is to work your plan. Yesterday I wrote about how confident I was my presentation would be an epic failure. Today I am running victory laps (in my head). I kept practicing until I felt I had it right and I am very glad our event was not yesterday.
 
Until next time,
Susanne

P.S. (written 2-19-2020) Check out the video recording here to decide how I did for yourself.

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Tuesday, December 10, 2019
Have you ever felt you are sure to fail? That is how I feel right now. What I have noticed as major side effects from my chemotherapy are lack of immediate recall of words while speaking and a loss of what little short-term memory I had. Both are detrimental when trying to create and learn a new presentation.
 
Ah! The good old days (two years ago). If I wanted to write and learn a new presentation all I had to do was write three to five awesome introduction story paragraphs, put in five bullet points, and write three to five outstanding call to action paragraphs. I memorized six to ten paragraphs and delivered the five bullet points ad lib. I could easily learn a new talk in a month.
 
Fast forward to now. Tomorrow I am delivering a ten-minute presentation at one of the business networking groups I belong to and I expect to crash and burn. I am sure I will need to break down, admit defeat, and read the presentation from my paper script.
 
I have been preparing properly. I finished the 1,318-word script six weeks ago. I recorded me speaking it so I could replay it over and over as I did other tasks. I do have to confess here that I only played the recording while I was home alone because I do not use a device with earbuds and I did not want any feedback on my words because they are very personal to me and I have not released them yet. I read the script out loud almost every day. I carried a paper script on the bus and read it on my rides.
 
My speech is tomorrow, and I have the first five of 15 paragraphs memorized in my head. Those first five paragraphs are rock solid in my brain, and two years ago that would have been enough. I could ad lib my bullet points and not be freaking out right now. I cannot ad lib anymore. The words will not come to my mouth or mind properly. There is a disconnect there I cannot seem to overcome.
 
I know the broad ideas in the other ten paragraphs, but I do not get them in the correct order, or I forget which sentences go with which thought. I have written a funny, heart-felt, meaningful farewell note that people need to hear, and I am concerned my message will be diluted if I need to read it instead of presenting it.
 
I will be given a lapel microphone tomorrow, so I will not need to tie up my hands by holding the traditional microphone as I have in the past. I requested the lapel microphone for three reasons. One, I know we have one available; most of our monthly speakers use the lapel microphone for their presentations. Two, I have insane dry mouth; the last vestige of the nasty virus I had has not let go. I have not been able to read my speech out loud without taking a drink several times. Three, I need my hands free to hold my paper script to read when my brain fails me.
 
I have been practicing all day for my presentation tomorrow (until my seven-year-old came home from school). I will be reciting the words in my head tonight as I fall asleep. Tomorrow, I will be reading the script on the bus and at my event until it is my turn to deliver. When I roll up to speak, I will have my script on my lap so I can still deliver my message when my brain fails.
 
My piece of advice to you is to step up when the time comes. My friends will not care that I read my speech from a script. I am probably the only one who thinks my message will be less poignant if I read it rather than recite it from memory. I am the one delivering my message; that is what is truly important.
 
Until next time,
​Susanne

P.S. (written 2-19-2020) Check out the video recording here and decide how I did for yourself.

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