This morning, I woke up two hours before my older daughter, Megan, arrived to get me out of bed for the day. I watched an episode of Monk, which is a murder show I really like. In the episode I watched this morning, Monk was poisoned and likely to die because the doctors did not know what he was poisoned with, so they did not have an antidote. Monk is a germaphobe and afraid of pretty much any substance he encounters. The statement Monk made that really resonated with me was, “Vomit is worse than death.” I have mentioned before that vomiting is my Achilles heel, and anytime I have vomited during the past three years I was thinking the same thought Monk's character was.
Once I was up for the day, it was time to get my eight-year-old, Mika, ready to eat her breakfast and do a little bit of schoolwork. Mika's last day of school is tomorrow, and because I am a mean mom, I am still making sure she does the bare basics the district has assigned for the elementary students to do. Mika asked if she could eat chocolate cake for breakfast because she still had birthday cake from Monday since we did not have a party due to COVID-19. Because I am an awesome mom, I told Mika, “Go ahead, eat chocolate cake for breakfast.” After Mika finished her birthday cake for breakfast, I made her do schoolwork right away this morning, so I was a mean mom again. Such is my lot in life.
Today we had a play date with my friend, Crystal, and her two daughters, Lily an Alice. A play date was the reason Mika needed to finish her schoolwork early this morning, and the fact Mika does not go to an in-person school currently is the reason we were able to have a play date on a school day. Crystal is one of my volunteers who reads my journal entries onto video to post on my YouTube channel. Crystal likes to read the entries which include her and her family, so she will, most likely, be reading this journal entry when it appears on my YouTube channel in the future. Since I edit the videos Crystal sends me before I post them online, I gave her some tips so she would feel more confident while recording the videos. I will share one with you. Do not have the camera look up at you; it is not a flattering angle. An up angle gives too much neck. I would probably look like a giraffe because my neck is so long.
I was feeling cold, and the sun was shining brightly outside, so Crystal and I went outside on my patio for me to sit in the sunshine and Crystal to sit in the shade. We watched the girls play and Crystal decided it was time to get a little philosophical and asked me why I do not believe in God. You know someone is truly your friend when they can ask you about a topic that is so personal and controversial and truly be interested in your reasoning without trying to change your mind. (Crystal is one of the four friends I mentioned the other day.) There are several reasons I do not believe in God, however we mostly talked about one reason I do not believe in God. Today's topic is probably second on my list of the reasons I do not have a relationship with God (if I made a list).
If you feel my disbelief in God is not a subject you want to hear about, please stop reading now. I do not judge anyone if they disagree with me on this reason. My intent is not to make anyone feel I think they are inferior to me because they do not think the same way I do because I do not compare myself to others, so please do not compare yourself to me. If you choose to read my thoughts and decide I am completely out of touch, good for you! Stay true to yourself. I am staying true to myself by writing my words out loud.
One of the reasons I choose not to have a relationship with God is because I do not feel I need God. Please remember, I am in a completely different place in my life than you are. I have seen a relationship with God be an invaluable part of other people's life, however I have never felt the need to pursue a relationship with God to improve my own life. I saw many people “find” God when I was in the rehabilitation hospital after the accident that left me paralyzed. I took responsibility for the fact I was the one who fell asleep while driving and never felt I needed any help to deal with the consequences. If Megan had been killed in the automobile accident or I had killed someone else, my point of view may have been completely different.
When I was fighting the flesh-eating disease and spent 13 months in the hospital, six of which I was told daily I would die, I never felt the need to reach out to God. I have had an amazing life and have been content with my life since I was a young child. I could be wrong, but I believe my inner contentment is a large portion of why I do not feel I need to have a relationship with God. I do not believe I am going to heaven, I do not believe I am going to hell. I do not believe I am going to live forever on the earth. I believe when I die my soul is extinguished right along with me and I do not feel the need to have more than the life I have lived. Would I rather have more years in the life I have now? Of course, but I do not get to make that choice, and I do not believe God is making it either.
My piece of advice to you is to decide your path for yourself. If a relationship with God makes you feel fulfilled, pursue it to the fullest. If you feel contentment without a relationship to God, do not feel ashamed or embarrassed because so many other people feel differently than you. You get to choose your own beliefs and create your own values. Do not give your power to anyone else.
Until next time,
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