Saturday, May 9, 2020
My significant other, Donald, and I had a great conversation this morning. Donald and I do not talk a lot even though we live in the same house. Donald is angry frequently and I prefer to give him a wide berth because I do not want to argue or be around his negativity. Donald is very judgmental, so he is not someone I want to use as an idea soundboard. All that said, Donald is a good person, and he does have good ideas. Donald has trouble expressing himself in a supportive manner, so I usually tell him after I have completed a project.
This morning Donald checked in on me and as he was leaving the room, I heard him say something about me being tuned out. I muted the television and asked Donald what he meant. Donald said he had read one of my journal entries in which I had written about how I can easily tune out people when I am not interested in the conversation. (Who knew Donald has been reading my journal?) I explained I am happy to have a conversation, but I do need to know he wants to talk.
I do not claim to be a great communicator; in fact, I am probably one of the worst people at communicating I know. I have however, been trying to notice and implement better communication skills since I was diagnosed with terminal cancer, so I am going to share some tips with you. First, get my attention. I did write about this particular topic in an earlier journal entry. Say my name so I know you are talking to me. Donald and I are frequently on different floors in our house and I am usually working or watching television when he is downstairs. I call Donald’s name and wait for a response before I start talking to him. If you tell me something without getting my attention first, I probably will not hear you and you will get mad because you think I am not listening.
Second, once you get my attention, let me know you want to talk. I am happy to shut off the television or take a break from working (usually) to have a meaningful conversation with someone I care about. I do not know what is in your head any more than you know what is in my head. I do like meaningful conversations, but it is not likely I am going to initiate one. Our conversation could be as simple as this is what I am planning this week for errands, so we each know what the other is doing (not a thing with COVID-19).
Third, I am happy to be a sounding board when you need to vent because parts of your life are currently out of your control, but if you keep complaining about the same subject without taking steps to fix the situation, I will quit listening to those parts. COVID-19 is messing with everyone’s life right now and you might be stuck in a job you hate for a while simply to keep food on the table. You might dislike your children eLearning instead of going to school (I know I do). We cannot control the pandemic because other people need to make good choices too, but you can control how you act. It is not okay for me to mad at you and complain about an issue I never told you bothered me. Take action if you want true sympathy from me.
Finally, I do not have any deep, hidden feelings about you (good or bad); I am way to superficial for that. I did not pick up the phone to call you because I do not call anyone, not because I do not like you. Even when I do think of you, I am not going to reach out. I have better things to do with my time than think of you often unless you live in my house. I like you and do want to talk to you occasionally, but my life does revolve around me and I do not yearn for more connection.
My piece of advice to you is to find a best friend who shares your communication style. I see my best friend approximately once a month and that is enough for me. I rarely call her and email her less than once a week. You might need a best friend you talk to every day. I can tell you right now, I will not be your best friend. Feel free to call me once a month; I will genuinely enjoy our conversation even if I will never initiate it.
Until next time,
Susanne
Please check out my GoFundMe page.
My significant other, Donald, and I had a great conversation this morning. Donald and I do not talk a lot even though we live in the same house. Donald is angry frequently and I prefer to give him a wide berth because I do not want to argue or be around his negativity. Donald is very judgmental, so he is not someone I want to use as an idea soundboard. All that said, Donald is a good person, and he does have good ideas. Donald has trouble expressing himself in a supportive manner, so I usually tell him after I have completed a project.
This morning Donald checked in on me and as he was leaving the room, I heard him say something about me being tuned out. I muted the television and asked Donald what he meant. Donald said he had read one of my journal entries in which I had written about how I can easily tune out people when I am not interested in the conversation. (Who knew Donald has been reading my journal?) I explained I am happy to have a conversation, but I do need to know he wants to talk.
I do not claim to be a great communicator; in fact, I am probably one of the worst people at communicating I know. I have however, been trying to notice and implement better communication skills since I was diagnosed with terminal cancer, so I am going to share some tips with you. First, get my attention. I did write about this particular topic in an earlier journal entry. Say my name so I know you are talking to me. Donald and I are frequently on different floors in our house and I am usually working or watching television when he is downstairs. I call Donald’s name and wait for a response before I start talking to him. If you tell me something without getting my attention first, I probably will not hear you and you will get mad because you think I am not listening.
Second, once you get my attention, let me know you want to talk. I am happy to shut off the television or take a break from working (usually) to have a meaningful conversation with someone I care about. I do not know what is in your head any more than you know what is in my head. I do like meaningful conversations, but it is not likely I am going to initiate one. Our conversation could be as simple as this is what I am planning this week for errands, so we each know what the other is doing (not a thing with COVID-19).
Third, I am happy to be a sounding board when you need to vent because parts of your life are currently out of your control, but if you keep complaining about the same subject without taking steps to fix the situation, I will quit listening to those parts. COVID-19 is messing with everyone’s life right now and you might be stuck in a job you hate for a while simply to keep food on the table. You might dislike your children eLearning instead of going to school (I know I do). We cannot control the pandemic because other people need to make good choices too, but you can control how you act. It is not okay for me to mad at you and complain about an issue I never told you bothered me. Take action if you want true sympathy from me.
Finally, I do not have any deep, hidden feelings about you (good or bad); I am way to superficial for that. I did not pick up the phone to call you because I do not call anyone, not because I do not like you. Even when I do think of you, I am not going to reach out. I have better things to do with my time than think of you often unless you live in my house. I like you and do want to talk to you occasionally, but my life does revolve around me and I do not yearn for more connection.
My piece of advice to you is to find a best friend who shares your communication style. I see my best friend approximately once a month and that is enough for me. I rarely call her and email her less than once a week. You might need a best friend you talk to every day. I can tell you right now, I will not be your best friend. Feel free to call me once a month; I will genuinely enjoy our conversation even if I will never initiate it.
Until next time,
Susanne
Please check out my GoFundMe page.