Sunday, November 10, 2019
I am a jerk. My 24-year-old, Megan reminds me of this occasionally (Friday night most recently). Megan thinks I am a jerk because I am not a good listener. Megan is right, I am not a good listener. I have learned to tune out distractions while working and this skill, while making me an excellent worker, has the tendency to spill out into my personal life in a rather jerkish manner.
I am a selectively supportive parent. I can be very attentive if my child’s interests align with mine. If I do not share my child’s interest, my support level will be low. This selective support is most obvious with Megan. Megan and I are on opposite sides of the personality spectrum. Megan is a thoughtful, caring soul, and I am mean to the core. We do have some common entertainment interests, but when she starts talking horror movies or Kardashians (spell check knows the Kardashians, go figure), my eyes glaze over and I check out of the conversation.
Friday night Megan was telling me something which I cannot remember because I quit paying attention and she called me on it. “You are a jerk!” Megan is so right. I am not good at feigning interest. It is obvious when I quit listening. It is hard to love a mother you think never listens to you. I know Megan loves me, but she will probably always feel I was never there for her. She is right. I was only there for her in the way I wanted to be, not the way she needed me to be.
Megan loves participating in beauty pageants. She has been in 20 or so beauty pageants in the past eight years. I have attended two or three. In my defense, her beauty pageants are always out of town and I do not travel well. However, even a reasonable excuse does not comfort a child in another state who is sick and not performing well when all she can see is all the other girls with their supportive mothers. The worst part is, even if I was there, I would not have been much help.
I am not a beauty pageant fan. The few pageants I have attended and the ones I have watched on television make me feel the judges reward obvious fakeness and ignore women with real ideas. It is pretty expensive to compete in pageants and that is one of my biggest sticking points. A national pageant can easily cost at least $5,000 once you cover your travel, clothes, and other expenses. I am proud of the fact that Megan works hard so she can afford to pursue her passion, yet I still think, “There are better ways to spend that money.”
There are better ways in MY mind, not Megan’s. Last year, Megan and I did have the money and pageant conversation. I told her I thought she should use her pageant money toward a down payment on a house because I think she is too real to win a pageant and it saddens me to see her disappointment if she does not place as high as her goal. Megan told me she felt she has grown into a better person by participating in pageants, so I no longer think she is wasting her money even if I still do not like pageants.
I cannot imagine a world where I will ever care about the plot of a horror movie, but I can at least shut off the television and look at Megan when she talks to me. It would be nice for her if she could remember a few conversations in which her mother listened to her.
My piece of advice to you is to try harder to truly connect with your family. Megan will be in Florida for a pageant next July and, if my health (and chemotherapy schedule) holds out, we will make a family trip out of it. I will still not be hanging out at the hotel for every minute with her, but I can arrange to be there for the parts she really wants to experience with me.
Until next time,
Susanne
Please check out my GoFundMe page.
I am a jerk. My 24-year-old, Megan reminds me of this occasionally (Friday night most recently). Megan thinks I am a jerk because I am not a good listener. Megan is right, I am not a good listener. I have learned to tune out distractions while working and this skill, while making me an excellent worker, has the tendency to spill out into my personal life in a rather jerkish manner.
I am a selectively supportive parent. I can be very attentive if my child’s interests align with mine. If I do not share my child’s interest, my support level will be low. This selective support is most obvious with Megan. Megan and I are on opposite sides of the personality spectrum. Megan is a thoughtful, caring soul, and I am mean to the core. We do have some common entertainment interests, but when she starts talking horror movies or Kardashians (spell check knows the Kardashians, go figure), my eyes glaze over and I check out of the conversation.
Friday night Megan was telling me something which I cannot remember because I quit paying attention and she called me on it. “You are a jerk!” Megan is so right. I am not good at feigning interest. It is obvious when I quit listening. It is hard to love a mother you think never listens to you. I know Megan loves me, but she will probably always feel I was never there for her. She is right. I was only there for her in the way I wanted to be, not the way she needed me to be.
Megan loves participating in beauty pageants. She has been in 20 or so beauty pageants in the past eight years. I have attended two or three. In my defense, her beauty pageants are always out of town and I do not travel well. However, even a reasonable excuse does not comfort a child in another state who is sick and not performing well when all she can see is all the other girls with their supportive mothers. The worst part is, even if I was there, I would not have been much help.
I am not a beauty pageant fan. The few pageants I have attended and the ones I have watched on television make me feel the judges reward obvious fakeness and ignore women with real ideas. It is pretty expensive to compete in pageants and that is one of my biggest sticking points. A national pageant can easily cost at least $5,000 once you cover your travel, clothes, and other expenses. I am proud of the fact that Megan works hard so she can afford to pursue her passion, yet I still think, “There are better ways to spend that money.”
There are better ways in MY mind, not Megan’s. Last year, Megan and I did have the money and pageant conversation. I told her I thought she should use her pageant money toward a down payment on a house because I think she is too real to win a pageant and it saddens me to see her disappointment if she does not place as high as her goal. Megan told me she felt she has grown into a better person by participating in pageants, so I no longer think she is wasting her money even if I still do not like pageants.
I cannot imagine a world where I will ever care about the plot of a horror movie, but I can at least shut off the television and look at Megan when she talks to me. It would be nice for her if she could remember a few conversations in which her mother listened to her.
My piece of advice to you is to try harder to truly connect with your family. Megan will be in Florida for a pageant next July and, if my health (and chemotherapy schedule) holds out, we will make a family trip out of it. I will still not be hanging out at the hotel for every minute with her, but I can arrange to be there for the parts she really wants to experience with me.
Until next time,
Susanne
Please check out my GoFundMe page.