Sunday, December 15, 2019
Old habits die hard. I catch myself doing the same tasks the same way even though I am ready to change. I have received several birthday and holiday cards in the past month. I look at them and then put them in my mementos box. Why am I still doing that? I have accepted I am not going to be an eighty-year-old woman reminiscing about her past; at least I thought I had.
My family is not ever going to want to look at birthday and other greeting cards I have received over the years. They probably do not want to look at the cards they have received that I placed in their memento boxes. Why do I keep putting the cards in the box instead of throwing them away after I read them? Eventually I will get to my memento boxes and throw most of those items away as I continue to work on clearing my clutter. Why do I think I need to keep filing items away now? All I can figure is that I must not have actually accepted my impending demise after all.
I know my time is short, and the excess sweating I have been experiencing since Wednesday has made me acutely aware that the three years I was hoping for may not even come close to my actual time left (not in a good way). However, I think my favorite friend, denial, still has a rock-solid grip on my unconscious mind and keeps sliding me back into my old behaviors.
I need to break out of my complacency and light the fire of urgency under my butt. I have very few items checked off my exceptional exit plan checklist. Have I recorded a single video message for my family? No. Have I cleared out a single room in my house? Sort of… I have gotten my older daughter’s, Megan, stuff out of the bathroom and her old bedroom. Have I gotten any of my paperwork in order? No; although I did add Megan to my safe deposit box so she can get the important paperwork in there.
The only task I have been on top of is my daily writing. In slightly more than two months I have written more than 45,000 words. I have been averaging a little more than 650 words per day that I hope will bring comfort to my youngest as she becomes a teenager and evoke happy memories for my significant other and older children. In the past two months I have not done enough to prepare to die.
Denial has allowed me to put my expiration date far into the future when it could be six months from now. I do not want to deal with everything right now. I want to still have a life while I am preparing to die. I do not want to be thinking about death every waking moment. Dr. Doom and Gloom had better figure out a treatment plan that does not keep me huddled by my computer heater or staying in bed because I am too cold and sweaty to function; and keeps me rolling for at least another 33 months.
At some point I need to admit to myself I simply will not have enough time to prepare even if I could hold out for another ten years. I could make Saturdays a work day starting in January until the end of April since it will be too cold for me to go on family adventures and I could get some friends to my house on a weekday (so we would not disturb my significant other with our endless chatter and no one might say the wrong thing where my seven-year-old, Mika, can hear). It is time to turn my three-year exceptional exit plan into a one-year exceptional exit plan and hope I make it that long.
My piece of advice to you is to adapt when life slaps you in the face. I will spend the next week planning a January through April clutter clearing calendar so I can ask my friends to help me make a noticeable dent in my mess. I am fortunate enough to have a lot of friends who will answer my call. We should all be so blessed.
Until next time,
Susanne
Please check out my GoFundMe page.
Old habits die hard. I catch myself doing the same tasks the same way even though I am ready to change. I have received several birthday and holiday cards in the past month. I look at them and then put them in my mementos box. Why am I still doing that? I have accepted I am not going to be an eighty-year-old woman reminiscing about her past; at least I thought I had.
My family is not ever going to want to look at birthday and other greeting cards I have received over the years. They probably do not want to look at the cards they have received that I placed in their memento boxes. Why do I keep putting the cards in the box instead of throwing them away after I read them? Eventually I will get to my memento boxes and throw most of those items away as I continue to work on clearing my clutter. Why do I think I need to keep filing items away now? All I can figure is that I must not have actually accepted my impending demise after all.
I know my time is short, and the excess sweating I have been experiencing since Wednesday has made me acutely aware that the three years I was hoping for may not even come close to my actual time left (not in a good way). However, I think my favorite friend, denial, still has a rock-solid grip on my unconscious mind and keeps sliding me back into my old behaviors.
I need to break out of my complacency and light the fire of urgency under my butt. I have very few items checked off my exceptional exit plan checklist. Have I recorded a single video message for my family? No. Have I cleared out a single room in my house? Sort of… I have gotten my older daughter’s, Megan, stuff out of the bathroom and her old bedroom. Have I gotten any of my paperwork in order? No; although I did add Megan to my safe deposit box so she can get the important paperwork in there.
The only task I have been on top of is my daily writing. In slightly more than two months I have written more than 45,000 words. I have been averaging a little more than 650 words per day that I hope will bring comfort to my youngest as she becomes a teenager and evoke happy memories for my significant other and older children. In the past two months I have not done enough to prepare to die.
Denial has allowed me to put my expiration date far into the future when it could be six months from now. I do not want to deal with everything right now. I want to still have a life while I am preparing to die. I do not want to be thinking about death every waking moment. Dr. Doom and Gloom had better figure out a treatment plan that does not keep me huddled by my computer heater or staying in bed because I am too cold and sweaty to function; and keeps me rolling for at least another 33 months.
At some point I need to admit to myself I simply will not have enough time to prepare even if I could hold out for another ten years. I could make Saturdays a work day starting in January until the end of April since it will be too cold for me to go on family adventures and I could get some friends to my house on a weekday (so we would not disturb my significant other with our endless chatter and no one might say the wrong thing where my seven-year-old, Mika, can hear). It is time to turn my three-year exceptional exit plan into a one-year exceptional exit plan and hope I make it that long.
My piece of advice to you is to adapt when life slaps you in the face. I will spend the next week planning a January through April clutter clearing calendar so I can ask my friends to help me make a noticeable dent in my mess. I am fortunate enough to have a lot of friends who will answer my call. We should all be so blessed.
Until next time,
Susanne
Please check out my GoFundMe page.