Friday, April 24, 2020
It is probably because I do not personally use toilet paper, but I saw a Charmin advertisement stating the company was working hard to get stores restocked and I thought, “Who cares?” Yes, I remember there is a difference in how ply’s and brands of toilet paper clean and feel, but are Charmin, Target brand, and Cottonelle really that different? I use a washcloth or baby wipe on my bootie so it either goes in the trash or laundry, not the toilet. Since I got the colostomy last year, we have switched mostly to baby wipes because they are thinner than washcloths and can clean the bag grooves better. I could not care less what brand the wipes are if we can get some; so far so good.
My seven-year-old, Mika, had a playdate with her friend Lily today. Yes, we are concerned about COVID-19, but we are not paralyzed by it. Both our families are taking precautions and continuing with our lives. At this point I need to confess I am writing the rest of this journal entry in December and was not smart enough to make notes about what the girls did or what my friend Crystal and I talked about while she was here. I know whatever we talked about was brilliant, because Crystal always tells me I need to write about the stories I tell her when she leaves a playdate, but alas, today’s stories might be lost to the cosmos.
I think I need to write today and tomorrow and then I have through the first week of May written. I started a new chemotherapy at that point and was a mess until the end of September and unmotivated until December. I did write notes and paragraphs on some of those days in between; however, I am expecting to open at least 100 completely blank pages. I could simply skip all those days, so I do not feel behind, but I am a glutton for punishment and decided I can write a current page and a past page each day until I catch up sometime in May 2021.
I have approximately ten posts about pregnancy which I posted shortly after Mika was born on a WordPress blog; I will check to see if any of those could be repurposed to fill in a blank day and put my thoughts in one place for my family to find. I also have more than 100 business blogs on my website. I may not be able to repurpose those words into a personal perspective as easily as the pregnancy posts, but I am resourceful and may be able to make most of them relatable.
When you reach the December posts I am currently writing, you will discover I am on steroids and not sleeping. I am going to try to record some childhood stories on a voice recorder for someone else to transcribe for me while trapped in bed. Retelling stories is not the same as saying I am going to die out loud, so I think I can speak those words without giving them power if I can operate the voice recorder lying down in the dark. Wish me luck!
I keep a detailed calendar, so my brain may get refreshed as I go simply by looking at what I had scheduled for a day without notes. Realistically, the specific thoughts are gone forever if I did not notate them well because it has simply been too long, and five of those months were too miserable to want to remember. I will not mind not trying to remember those days. I expect I will look at a scheduled doctor’s appointment listed on my calendar and wonder what we even talked about that day.
My piece of advice to you is not to dwell. I have released the idea of recreating my “in the moment” thoughts for seven months. I know some of those days will successfully reload in my brain and others can be let go. I have restarted the continuous play-by-play writing in December refreshed and even more determined than before to leave my final thoughts for my friends and family to remember.
Until next time,
Susanne
Please check out my GoFundMe page.
It is probably because I do not personally use toilet paper, but I saw a Charmin advertisement stating the company was working hard to get stores restocked and I thought, “Who cares?” Yes, I remember there is a difference in how ply’s and brands of toilet paper clean and feel, but are Charmin, Target brand, and Cottonelle really that different? I use a washcloth or baby wipe on my bootie so it either goes in the trash or laundry, not the toilet. Since I got the colostomy last year, we have switched mostly to baby wipes because they are thinner than washcloths and can clean the bag grooves better. I could not care less what brand the wipes are if we can get some; so far so good.
My seven-year-old, Mika, had a playdate with her friend Lily today. Yes, we are concerned about COVID-19, but we are not paralyzed by it. Both our families are taking precautions and continuing with our lives. At this point I need to confess I am writing the rest of this journal entry in December and was not smart enough to make notes about what the girls did or what my friend Crystal and I talked about while she was here. I know whatever we talked about was brilliant, because Crystal always tells me I need to write about the stories I tell her when she leaves a playdate, but alas, today’s stories might be lost to the cosmos.
I think I need to write today and tomorrow and then I have through the first week of May written. I started a new chemotherapy at that point and was a mess until the end of September and unmotivated until December. I did write notes and paragraphs on some of those days in between; however, I am expecting to open at least 100 completely blank pages. I could simply skip all those days, so I do not feel behind, but I am a glutton for punishment and decided I can write a current page and a past page each day until I catch up sometime in May 2021.
I have approximately ten posts about pregnancy which I posted shortly after Mika was born on a WordPress blog; I will check to see if any of those could be repurposed to fill in a blank day and put my thoughts in one place for my family to find. I also have more than 100 business blogs on my website. I may not be able to repurpose those words into a personal perspective as easily as the pregnancy posts, but I am resourceful and may be able to make most of them relatable.
When you reach the December posts I am currently writing, you will discover I am on steroids and not sleeping. I am going to try to record some childhood stories on a voice recorder for someone else to transcribe for me while trapped in bed. Retelling stories is not the same as saying I am going to die out loud, so I think I can speak those words without giving them power if I can operate the voice recorder lying down in the dark. Wish me luck!
I keep a detailed calendar, so my brain may get refreshed as I go simply by looking at what I had scheduled for a day without notes. Realistically, the specific thoughts are gone forever if I did not notate them well because it has simply been too long, and five of those months were too miserable to want to remember. I will not mind not trying to remember those days. I expect I will look at a scheduled doctor’s appointment listed on my calendar and wonder what we even talked about that day.
My piece of advice to you is not to dwell. I have released the idea of recreating my “in the moment” thoughts for seven months. I know some of those days will successfully reload in my brain and others can be let go. I have restarted the continuous play-by-play writing in December refreshed and even more determined than before to leave my final thoughts for my friends and family to remember.
Until next time,
Susanne
Please check out my GoFundMe page.