Sunday, February 16, 2020
Death is all around me recently and I am not ready to deal with it. When I was chatting with the woman in the waiting room on Thursday, she asked about my treatment and I felt obligated to tell her I was on a life-extending therapy because the “cure” had failed. She is still on the “cure” treatment and it may work for her. I think my cancer was simply too far along by the time it was discovered for the cure to work for me. The cure treatment did help, it simply could not do it all.
I watch a television show titled New Amsterdam which has a lot of episodes focused on cancer. The last episode I watched was focused on death. The head of the hospital decides he is going to readmit into a new hospice wing the patients they have sent to an overcrowded hospice facility to lower the hospital’s mortality rates. Each of the main characters is assigned a patient and charged with making their death more comfortable. Every story was about death. The episode put a lot of thoughts about death in my head.
On a personal note, I have decided I cannot ever die because I am never going to be ready. I have known I have a short shelf life for four and one-half months and I feel like I have not accomplished much yet. I have made progress clearing the clutter from my house. Ninety-five percent of my older daughter’s belongings have been moved to her house, and what is still at my house is a minor nuisance rather than a major issue. I have cleared, and sent to the donation centers, an entire shed full of unused items, several buckets of household goods from inside the house, and half of my seven-year-old’s toys.
For some reason, when I look at my much less cluttered, lower level great room, I only see all the work that still needs to be done, not what has been completed. Has forewarning of my death made me a glass half empty person? The more I get done the longer it seems to take to do it. I do not have enough personal message videos recorded because I am apparently still not emotionally ready to do them.
In one of the New Amsterdam story arcs, a doctor convinces a woman to have a living wake. At first, I thought it was a cool idea, then I thought about it more. The woman in the story arc did not want to have a living wake because she did not want people to see her vulnerable. I am okay with being vulnerable in public; I do it nearly every day. I would not have a living wake until I get sick and at that point, I will probably be a sobbing mess.
I like the idea of telling someone how much they mean to you before they pass, but I am not sure I could receive it well. I think back to that day I posted my first blog post on my Facebook profile. Many of my friends expressed their sense of loss and it was all I could do to keep from bawling my eyes out. I think a living wake would be a tissue fest, and I do not think I am strong enough to face that much emotion.
I had planned on having my family host a celebration of life party after I pass, but I am still intrigued by this living wake idea. I guess I will make my final decision when the doctor tells me the end is near and how much the end affects me. Will I get sick and stay in the hospital for months? Will I get sick and be dead the next week? There is simply too much unknown for me to die, so I must stay alive
My piece of advice to you is to consider what you would like to happen when you die. Write down your wishes and share them with your family. I have a list of four places I would like my children to travel to together to scatter some of my ashes. Will it happen? Probably not, but I can fantasize about the adventures they could have together.
Until next time,
Susanne
Please check out my GoFundMe page.
Death is all around me recently and I am not ready to deal with it. When I was chatting with the woman in the waiting room on Thursday, she asked about my treatment and I felt obligated to tell her I was on a life-extending therapy because the “cure” had failed. She is still on the “cure” treatment and it may work for her. I think my cancer was simply too far along by the time it was discovered for the cure to work for me. The cure treatment did help, it simply could not do it all.
I watch a television show titled New Amsterdam which has a lot of episodes focused on cancer. The last episode I watched was focused on death. The head of the hospital decides he is going to readmit into a new hospice wing the patients they have sent to an overcrowded hospice facility to lower the hospital’s mortality rates. Each of the main characters is assigned a patient and charged with making their death more comfortable. Every story was about death. The episode put a lot of thoughts about death in my head.
On a personal note, I have decided I cannot ever die because I am never going to be ready. I have known I have a short shelf life for four and one-half months and I feel like I have not accomplished much yet. I have made progress clearing the clutter from my house. Ninety-five percent of my older daughter’s belongings have been moved to her house, and what is still at my house is a minor nuisance rather than a major issue. I have cleared, and sent to the donation centers, an entire shed full of unused items, several buckets of household goods from inside the house, and half of my seven-year-old’s toys.
For some reason, when I look at my much less cluttered, lower level great room, I only see all the work that still needs to be done, not what has been completed. Has forewarning of my death made me a glass half empty person? The more I get done the longer it seems to take to do it. I do not have enough personal message videos recorded because I am apparently still not emotionally ready to do them.
In one of the New Amsterdam story arcs, a doctor convinces a woman to have a living wake. At first, I thought it was a cool idea, then I thought about it more. The woman in the story arc did not want to have a living wake because she did not want people to see her vulnerable. I am okay with being vulnerable in public; I do it nearly every day. I would not have a living wake until I get sick and at that point, I will probably be a sobbing mess.
I like the idea of telling someone how much they mean to you before they pass, but I am not sure I could receive it well. I think back to that day I posted my first blog post on my Facebook profile. Many of my friends expressed their sense of loss and it was all I could do to keep from bawling my eyes out. I think a living wake would be a tissue fest, and I do not think I am strong enough to face that much emotion.
I had planned on having my family host a celebration of life party after I pass, but I am still intrigued by this living wake idea. I guess I will make my final decision when the doctor tells me the end is near and how much the end affects me. Will I get sick and stay in the hospital for months? Will I get sick and be dead the next week? There is simply too much unknown for me to die, so I must stay alive
My piece of advice to you is to consider what you would like to happen when you die. Write down your wishes and share them with your family. I have a list of four places I would like my children to travel to together to scatter some of my ashes. Will it happen? Probably not, but I can fantasize about the adventures they could have together.
Until next time,
Susanne
Please check out my GoFundMe page.