Sunday, November 3, 2019
I googled the five stages of grief the other day for fun. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I thought I would cruise the whole way on mostly denial and a little bit of acceptance. I accept the knowledge that I will die, but it is not likely to be next week so I can deny it will ever happen.
I cannot image bargaining will become a stage of grief for me. Who am I going to bargain with? My doctor? He can only do so much, and we have already discussed I want to live as long as I can for my seven-year-old, Mika. We have discussed quality of life. Am I willing to continue on if I feel miserable? I do not know (at this time) why bargaining is a stage of grief.
I do not think depression will become a stage of grief for me. I am too busy and too positive to become depressed. That is easy for me to say now when I am healthy. My attitude may reverse when my quality of life starts to suffer. Depression is sneaky and may even be able to crack my hard shell.
Anger has definitely started to grab a hold of me. I wrote a post a few days ago that was a rant about our health-care system. I was angry when I wrote it. Last night I had an argument with my significant other, Donald, that left me very angry. I have cooled off today, however I can still feel my anger simmering under the surface (not toward him). That is not a common feeling for me.
Yesterday morning, Mika and I were recording a video for her YouTube channel and I needed to move my small stack of unopened mail and a box off my table. I told Mika to put the items on my bed. When it was time to go to bed my stack of mail was missing. Donald looked in my room and we found the mail in my trash can. Donald pulled out a few pieces of mail and put the trash can back. I got mad.
I could still see my voter book in the trash, and I had not filled out my ballot. I told him to give me the trash can so I could dig out my mail, and he complained about the fact that I had unopened mail at all. I lost it. I reminded him that he does not open my mail with me when he gives it to me, so I put it in a pile until the next day my helper comes to open my mail with me. He then accused me of blaming him for Mika accidently throwing away my mail.
When I yelled at Donald I was not blaming him, he told me to stop getting emotional. I stopped talking at that point. I had reached angry truth level. I have never understood people who get angry and say things they do not mean. When I reach angry truth level, every single word I say is unvarnished truth. Nobody ever wants to hear unvarnished truth.
That was the most sexist comment Donald has ever made to me. It is fine for him to get angry and yell, but if I get angry and yell, I am emotional. His mouth needs to be washed out with soap. I could have let the argument escalate, however the words that would have come out of my mouth would have hurt him deeply and he has enough to deal with without me telling him how I think he should be dealing with it.
My piece of advice to you is feel the anger, but do not allow the anger to consume you. I have noticed I am a little teary the past few days. That is probably my anger working its way to the surface. Sometimes you need to acknowledge that grief is simply grief and you may need a good cry.
Until next time,
Susanne
Please check out my GoFundMe page.
I googled the five stages of grief the other day for fun. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I thought I would cruise the whole way on mostly denial and a little bit of acceptance. I accept the knowledge that I will die, but it is not likely to be next week so I can deny it will ever happen.
I cannot image bargaining will become a stage of grief for me. Who am I going to bargain with? My doctor? He can only do so much, and we have already discussed I want to live as long as I can for my seven-year-old, Mika. We have discussed quality of life. Am I willing to continue on if I feel miserable? I do not know (at this time) why bargaining is a stage of grief.
I do not think depression will become a stage of grief for me. I am too busy and too positive to become depressed. That is easy for me to say now when I am healthy. My attitude may reverse when my quality of life starts to suffer. Depression is sneaky and may even be able to crack my hard shell.
Anger has definitely started to grab a hold of me. I wrote a post a few days ago that was a rant about our health-care system. I was angry when I wrote it. Last night I had an argument with my significant other, Donald, that left me very angry. I have cooled off today, however I can still feel my anger simmering under the surface (not toward him). That is not a common feeling for me.
Yesterday morning, Mika and I were recording a video for her YouTube channel and I needed to move my small stack of unopened mail and a box off my table. I told Mika to put the items on my bed. When it was time to go to bed my stack of mail was missing. Donald looked in my room and we found the mail in my trash can. Donald pulled out a few pieces of mail and put the trash can back. I got mad.
I could still see my voter book in the trash, and I had not filled out my ballot. I told him to give me the trash can so I could dig out my mail, and he complained about the fact that I had unopened mail at all. I lost it. I reminded him that he does not open my mail with me when he gives it to me, so I put it in a pile until the next day my helper comes to open my mail with me. He then accused me of blaming him for Mika accidently throwing away my mail.
When I yelled at Donald I was not blaming him, he told me to stop getting emotional. I stopped talking at that point. I had reached angry truth level. I have never understood people who get angry and say things they do not mean. When I reach angry truth level, every single word I say is unvarnished truth. Nobody ever wants to hear unvarnished truth.
That was the most sexist comment Donald has ever made to me. It is fine for him to get angry and yell, but if I get angry and yell, I am emotional. His mouth needs to be washed out with soap. I could have let the argument escalate, however the words that would have come out of my mouth would have hurt him deeply and he has enough to deal with without me telling him how I think he should be dealing with it.
My piece of advice to you is feel the anger, but do not allow the anger to consume you. I have noticed I am a little teary the past few days. That is probably my anger working its way to the surface. Sometimes you need to acknowledge that grief is simply grief and you may need a good cry.
Until next time,
Susanne
Please check out my GoFundMe page.