Friday, October 18, 2019
A few days ago, I had a complete creative crash. I have had complete creative crashes in the past. They usually last about three days and then are gone as suddenly as they came. When I have a complete creative crash, it feels as if my creative soul has been sucked out of my body. My mo has no jo.
I have never figured out where my complete creative crashes come from and they never come at a convenient time. I generally get a complete creative crash once or twice a year. I have not had one for at least a year. I am guessing the reason I have been CCC-free for a while is because I have not been doing very many creative tasks. When I stripped by business back last year to treat my cancer, I stuck to mostly non-creative work for my clients.
The bad timing of my complete creative crashes always makes me wonder if my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I am a super-positive person and Denial is my best friend (Dr. Doom and Gloom told me I was delusional). I have worked very hard during the years since my automobile accident to learn patience and keep my stress level down. There are still a few triggers that can raise my blood pressure (most of them related to my seven-year-old); however, very few arrows can get past my shield.
A few weeks after I came home from my initial automobile accident rehabilitation, I passed out and woke up in a hospital two days later. Apparently, I had been conscious and talking to people in the hospital the day before; however, I did not remember any of those conversations. The doctors decided since they were unable to locate a medical reason for my blackout, it must be psychological.
The doctors told me I was dealing with the fact I had been paralyzed way too well and my subconscious brain had to grieve. I do not know if that diagnosis was correct, but it has planted a thought in my head that sometimes my brain has its own agenda. I wonder if my complete creative crashes are my brain dealing with the stress I brush off.
I know there is stress associated with my terminal diagnosis; the eye-welling incident from yesterday proves that. Yet I still emulate my favorite song, “I am a rock. I am an island. Cause a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.” I have simply created a process to get through my compete creative crashes instead of thinking about or stressing out now that writing 500 words every day is part of my exceptional exit plan.
I am writing the original text of this journal using Microsoft Word. The font style and size I use allows for approximately 600 word per page, so I have a nice guide. At the beginning of the month I created a separate file for each day in October. Most days I write about the day before. Today I am taking my seven-year-old to the Fine Arts Center to meet friends and look at art, and I will write about that trip tomorrow, so I wrote Fine Arts Center in the file for that day to remember to write about it.
On those days I was unable to write due to my complete creative crash, I simply wrote a few words or sentences about the thought I wanted to express and closed the file. A few days later I went back and wrote the full entry for those days when my mind was willing.
My piece of advice to you is not to stress when life does not fit your plans perfectly. Many years ago, when I had accumulated a lot of credit card debt, I created a three-year plan to be debt-free. It took me four years to complete that three-year plan. Other than my mortgage, I have been debt-free for the 15+ years since.
Until next time,
Susanne
Please check out my GoFundMe page.
A few days ago, I had a complete creative crash. I have had complete creative crashes in the past. They usually last about three days and then are gone as suddenly as they came. When I have a complete creative crash, it feels as if my creative soul has been sucked out of my body. My mo has no jo.
I have never figured out where my complete creative crashes come from and they never come at a convenient time. I generally get a complete creative crash once or twice a year. I have not had one for at least a year. I am guessing the reason I have been CCC-free for a while is because I have not been doing very many creative tasks. When I stripped by business back last year to treat my cancer, I stuck to mostly non-creative work for my clients.
The bad timing of my complete creative crashes always makes me wonder if my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I am a super-positive person and Denial is my best friend (Dr. Doom and Gloom told me I was delusional). I have worked very hard during the years since my automobile accident to learn patience and keep my stress level down. There are still a few triggers that can raise my blood pressure (most of them related to my seven-year-old); however, very few arrows can get past my shield.
A few weeks after I came home from my initial automobile accident rehabilitation, I passed out and woke up in a hospital two days later. Apparently, I had been conscious and talking to people in the hospital the day before; however, I did not remember any of those conversations. The doctors decided since they were unable to locate a medical reason for my blackout, it must be psychological.
The doctors told me I was dealing with the fact I had been paralyzed way too well and my subconscious brain had to grieve. I do not know if that diagnosis was correct, but it has planted a thought in my head that sometimes my brain has its own agenda. I wonder if my complete creative crashes are my brain dealing with the stress I brush off.
I know there is stress associated with my terminal diagnosis; the eye-welling incident from yesterday proves that. Yet I still emulate my favorite song, “I am a rock. I am an island. Cause a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.” I have simply created a process to get through my compete creative crashes instead of thinking about or stressing out now that writing 500 words every day is part of my exceptional exit plan.
I am writing the original text of this journal using Microsoft Word. The font style and size I use allows for approximately 600 word per page, so I have a nice guide. At the beginning of the month I created a separate file for each day in October. Most days I write about the day before. Today I am taking my seven-year-old to the Fine Arts Center to meet friends and look at art, and I will write about that trip tomorrow, so I wrote Fine Arts Center in the file for that day to remember to write about it.
On those days I was unable to write due to my complete creative crash, I simply wrote a few words or sentences about the thought I wanted to express and closed the file. A few days later I went back and wrote the full entry for those days when my mind was willing.
My piece of advice to you is not to stress when life does not fit your plans perfectly. Many years ago, when I had accumulated a lot of credit card debt, I created a three-year plan to be debt-free. It took me four years to complete that three-year plan. Other than my mortgage, I have been debt-free for the 15+ years since.
Until next time,
Susanne
Please check out my GoFundMe page.