Thursday, February 6, 2020
I am feeling very sad for me today. I would not go as far as calling it depression; however, my positivity meter is way below 96 percent, my normal low point. I think two factors have taken away my joy today. The first factor was my wound care appointment today. Wound care saddens me. When I was using the slash and burn chemotherapy treatment, I always had at least three weeks between treatments and the steroids. Several times I had much longer breaks due to surgical complications.
Even with the suppressed healing the chemotherapy and steroids caused, I was able to heal seven out of ten wounds because my body got some rest in between treatments. On chemotherapy lite I do not get a significant break. Three Fridays out of four I get poison and steroids, and I have gone from three wounds to five as of today. The wounds are superficial, but they measure a tiny bit bigger each month. Dr. Dash is positive and tries to remind me that I have healed so much worse in the past. That is true; however,even after my visit with Candice the P.A. yesterday, I do not know for sure that I will ever get a break from chemotherapy lite; I may be on this regime until I die (may it be 20 years from now).
On the bright side, I did gain three pounds this month and my pants are starting to get snug again. I have finally reached my “normal” weight again. I was a little annoyed that both the nurse who measured my wounds and Dr. Dash both discounted my weight as steroid weight. I do not care why I am gaining weight; I am just happy I am. I expect to quit gaining weight if (and when) I get a steroid break, but the weight I have gained will not simply disappear overnight and the loss of a pound here and there will not be significant.
Steroids are the other factor I think are contributing to my sadness today (or lack thereof). This past Friday was my rest week, so I did not get the steroids that turn me into Super Quad for the weekend. I did not have the rush of energy and appetite and today is the last day before my next hit. I really do think my cancer has turned me into a drug addict. I have had more doses of steroids in the past three months than I did for the whole eight months on my previous treatment, and I get the same exact steroid dose.
I am a little worried I will go through steroid withdrawal if (and when) I get a summer break. I would like to think I will be so busy running the streets in the glorious heat with my seven-year-old, Mika, I will not even notice the lack of drug-induced energy and appetite; however, withdrawal is a very real possibility. I might be a lot worried that an addiction to steroids may ruin my summer. It is not the chemotherapy making my life difficult; it is the steroids. Who knew?
There is a good chance I am freaking out about the steroids because I am sad from my would care visit and know the steroids contribute to the bad numbers, although Google told me steroids are addictive so it must be true (technically it was the Addiction Center, not Google). Because I was foolish enough to read the article Google linked me to, I have now read that depression and suicidal tendencies are common when stopping regular steroid use. Now I really want to freak out! Will I be too depressed to enjoy my time with Mika? That freaking out is why I do not click on the links my friends send me about cancer. You cannot unread it and it is all I can do to keep from clicking more steroid articles. I do not want to go down that hole.
My piece of advice to you is to accept what is. Next month I will ask Candice the P.A. about my addiction risks to weekly steroids. On the bright side, I know I will not be looking for steroids on the street, but I do not want to be unbearable to be around. I will take my steroids tomorrow and enjoy Super Quad weekend. I can wait for 12 more weeks to worry about dealing with steroid withdrawal because it will not be happening before then.
Until next time...
Susanne
Please check out my GoFundMe page.
I am feeling very sad for me today. I would not go as far as calling it depression; however, my positivity meter is way below 96 percent, my normal low point. I think two factors have taken away my joy today. The first factor was my wound care appointment today. Wound care saddens me. When I was using the slash and burn chemotherapy treatment, I always had at least three weeks between treatments and the steroids. Several times I had much longer breaks due to surgical complications.
Even with the suppressed healing the chemotherapy and steroids caused, I was able to heal seven out of ten wounds because my body got some rest in between treatments. On chemotherapy lite I do not get a significant break. Three Fridays out of four I get poison and steroids, and I have gone from three wounds to five as of today. The wounds are superficial, but they measure a tiny bit bigger each month. Dr. Dash is positive and tries to remind me that I have healed so much worse in the past. That is true; however,even after my visit with Candice the P.A. yesterday, I do not know for sure that I will ever get a break from chemotherapy lite; I may be on this regime until I die (may it be 20 years from now).
On the bright side, I did gain three pounds this month and my pants are starting to get snug again. I have finally reached my “normal” weight again. I was a little annoyed that both the nurse who measured my wounds and Dr. Dash both discounted my weight as steroid weight. I do not care why I am gaining weight; I am just happy I am. I expect to quit gaining weight if (and when) I get a steroid break, but the weight I have gained will not simply disappear overnight and the loss of a pound here and there will not be significant.
Steroids are the other factor I think are contributing to my sadness today (or lack thereof). This past Friday was my rest week, so I did not get the steroids that turn me into Super Quad for the weekend. I did not have the rush of energy and appetite and today is the last day before my next hit. I really do think my cancer has turned me into a drug addict. I have had more doses of steroids in the past three months than I did for the whole eight months on my previous treatment, and I get the same exact steroid dose.
I am a little worried I will go through steroid withdrawal if (and when) I get a summer break. I would like to think I will be so busy running the streets in the glorious heat with my seven-year-old, Mika, I will not even notice the lack of drug-induced energy and appetite; however, withdrawal is a very real possibility. I might be a lot worried that an addiction to steroids may ruin my summer. It is not the chemotherapy making my life difficult; it is the steroids. Who knew?
There is a good chance I am freaking out about the steroids because I am sad from my would care visit and know the steroids contribute to the bad numbers, although Google told me steroids are addictive so it must be true (technically it was the Addiction Center, not Google). Because I was foolish enough to read the article Google linked me to, I have now read that depression and suicidal tendencies are common when stopping regular steroid use. Now I really want to freak out! Will I be too depressed to enjoy my time with Mika? That freaking out is why I do not click on the links my friends send me about cancer. You cannot unread it and it is all I can do to keep from clicking more steroid articles. I do not want to go down that hole.
My piece of advice to you is to accept what is. Next month I will ask Candice the P.A. about my addiction risks to weekly steroids. On the bright side, I know I will not be looking for steroids on the street, but I do not want to be unbearable to be around. I will take my steroids tomorrow and enjoy Super Quad weekend. I can wait for 12 more weeks to worry about dealing with steroid withdrawal because it will not be happening before then.
Until next time...
Susanne
Please check out my GoFundMe page.