Tuesday, May 26, 2020
Yesterday was Memorial Day and my eight-year-old, Mika, asked me what Memorial Day celebrates. I explained Memorial Day was technically not a “celebration” even though that is the way the holiday is represented in current times. Memorial Day is a day of remembrance and reflection on those who gave their lives in service to the citizens of the United States of America. I explained our military members have fought and died to protect those of us left behind at home. Every one of those men and women most likely believe they were fighting to protect us, and it is our job to remember them. (Personally, I find the commercialization and idea of a Memorial Day sale on a day of remembrance offensive, although perhaps military personnel do not feel the same way and I should keep my opinions to myself.)

Mika’s next question was much more interesting to answer. I am going to tell you now, you may not like what I say next. Feel free to leave now so you still love me tomorrow. Mika then asked why we have wars. I kept my answer simple, but I did not sugarcoat it even a little bit. I told Mika most wars throughout history were caused because of religion, lust for power, and hate. I also told Mika all three issues are usually intertwined in every conflict. I could write a book about how I believe religion has been perverted throughout history by those with a lust for power and a lot of hate. (I may write a book on the issue, if I live long enough (probably not even if I do live long enough), however if I do, I am pretty sure nobody will still love me tomorrow.)

I received a call from Dr. Doom and Gloom’s medical assistant today. My protein levels were low when they reviewed my last blood test results and she suggested I drink Boost or Ensure. The good points about Boost and Ensure are because of my low protein levels, I could get insurance to pay for the drinks, and the drinks do have more protein than milk alone. The bad points about Boost and Ensure are the drinks are nasty and I cannot force myself to swallow them. I told the medical assistant I would eat some more meat. I do not understand why the protein powders are either chocolate or extremely sweet. I do not like chocolate and the amount of sugar the manufacturers put in protein supplements to get many people to drink them is simply too much sugar for me. (I do not think anyone would describe me as “sweet” artificial, or otherwise.)

My poor significant other, Donald, keeps trying to feed me like I could eat before I was paralyzed in my automobile accident more than 20 years ago. I know Donald means well; he loves me and wants me to be healthy. The problem I have with food (other than the fact cancer has ruined my enjoyment of food) that Donald does not seem to understand is I simply cannot eat if I am not hungry. The amount of food I consumed dropped immediately after my automobile accident. Once I was no longer doing the intense daily physical activity, my body no longer needed calories. It is quite common for people who become paralyzed to gain a lot of weight shortly after their accident. I never gained weight because my brain told my belly since I was not participating in a lot of physical activity, I did not need to eat the same amount of food.

I ask Donald to place my meals on small plates so perhaps he will think he is giving me a decent amount of food, in his opinion. Unfortunately, he frequently simply tries to overfill the plate, and then, not only do I not eat all the food he gives me, but I also generally have the tendency to make a big mess. You would think after more than 20 years, Donald would quit trying to give me so much food. I know it bothers him when I do not eat all the food he gives to me. I am fairly sure Donald thinks I do not eat all the food because I do not like what he makes and that is simply not the truth. I do not eat that much food because I quit eating once I am not hungry, and it takes very little food to get me to the no longer hungry state.

My piece of advice to you is to try harder to eat what other people make for you. Donald has been providing meals for me for more than 20 years and I appreciate it even if he does not think so.

Until next time,
Susanne

Please check out my GoFundMe page.

Friday, May 22, 2020
Yesterday I accepted a new client. I know better; I have quit accepting new client. Why did I say yes? I am still not quite sure a day later what I was thinking other than I really like my new client, and I told her I could only do work through November because my soul-sucking chemotherapy has been draining my energy and I do not know how it will affect me after several months of accumulated soul sucking. The work I need to do for my new client is not overly time sensitive or time draining. I think I can do approximately 20 to 30 hours of work for her during the next several months. Not every day has been horrible since I started the soul-sucking chemotherapy, simply a whole lot of them.

Tuesday, two people contacted me to set up times to discuss working with me. I expect to say no to both the prospective clients but agreed to Zoom connections with each of them so I could let them down gently. Hopefully, I will hold strong and not accept any more new clients because serving others is not where my focus is now. I am working to prepare for my death in an easy-to-manage manner for my family. I am failing miserably, of course, however Denial is still my favorite friend and I am much happier focusing on the illusion I can control my death. I am sure one of the reasons I am not afraid to die is because Denial is right by my side telling me, “It is never going to happen.” Denial is wrong (and so am I), but it makes me happy to think it could be true. There is always a chance I will see my eight-year-old, Mika, graduate from high school even though I may not even see her graduate from fifth grade. (I still think elementary school graduations are ridiculous even if fifth grade may be the only graduation I even remotely have a chance to see for Mika.)

I like the clients I currently work with and hope to work with them until very shortly before I pass, however, working is not high on my list of priorities. It is nice to have enough money in my business account to cover my expenses but making money at this point is not really where my head is. I will be releasing my journal entries as books as I complete 100-day groupings with completed videos for the eBook version, but I am sure actually publishing my books will get moved to the back burner because I will feel I need to do client work or Mika work before I do me work (other than actually writing the journal entries). We all know no one is ever interested in the story of your life until you are dead, so I feel it is much more important simply to have the process set up for my family to take over after I pass than having books available for people to buy at this time. I expect I will manage to knock off three or four published collections of journal entries before I pass, but it is more important I actually write the words in my head than get them out to the public.

In happier news, yesterday Mike and I walked a few blocks from our house to the street which leads to Mika’s school to watch, yell, and wave at the teachers for an end-of-school parade. The teachers decorated their cars and drove a loop which included both sides of the main street which divides the two neighborhoods that supply the school with students. Mika enjoyed waving at all the teachers she knew and I did record the event on the video camera so when she is older she can remember the last day of school during the pandemic of 2020. I am not quite sure what the teachers actually did after school was restarted in April because it was the kitchen staff, I believe, who passed out meals when Mika and I would take our weekly walk for worksheets and lunch. Perhaps other parents contacted the teachers regularly, however I simply had Mika do the four assigned tasks every day during the week and did not feel any need to contact her teacher. None of the assignments were instructions for new concepts so I never felt the teacher was necessary. I am also certain if there was a new concept Mika needed to learn, I was equipped to handle it.

My piece of advice to you is to accept and adapt to what life throws at you. Yes, I probably should have not taken my new client, and I need to put up my resistance wall to avoid taking possibly two more new clients, however, I really like my new client and I am able to simplify parts of her business which will give me a lot of joy. One can never have too much joy whether you have a death sentence or not.

Until next time,
Susanne

Please check out my GoFundMe page.

Thursday, May 21, 2020
Today is the last day of school! Today is the last day of school! Happy leap! I feel very differently about those words this year than I usually do. Generally, I am so excited for school to end so I can run the streets with my children all summer long in the glorious heat. For the past 22 years, I have dedicated every summer to my children. We have gone to water parks, swimming pools, arcades, playgrounds, sports and art camps, museums, movie theaters, and so much more. I look forward to summer break every year, until this year. As I look at closed museums, movie theaters, swimming pools, and playgrounds with the equipment removed, I wonder how much fun Mika and I will get to have this summer. It does not help that I am on this soul-sucking chemotherapy, (I have finally named my third chemotherapy treatment medicine)

Mika and I will be recording videos for her YouTube channel, and hopefully we will get far enough ahead she will not need to record very many videos during the school year, and I will be able to edit most of the videos while she is at school again in the fall. I know we will still go to playgrounds, however, they will most likely be the few playgrounds near our house, so we do not need to ride the bus very often. Since I have not been feeling well during this first round of soul-sucking chemotherapy, I do not know how healthy I will be to do very many kid-friendly Mika adventures. I am still on the first cycle, so there is a chance the soul-sucking chemotherapy will not affect me as much or the second round and others in the future. (I am not holding my breath however.)

I saw on the news recently a story about clothing sales going up this past month. I simply do not understand the need for most people to buy clothes during a time of lockdown or restrictions in areas that are not locked down. Okay, I have pretty much quit buying clothes for me because I have a terminal diagnosis so I could be slightly biased, but if I am not going anywhere why would I need new clothes? If you are not going to be going anywhere for the foreseeable future other than sitting on your couch watching Trevor Noah at home or walking around the streets in your neighborhood, why do you need to buy new clothes? (Please continue to buy new masks if you need them.) Yes, I can see the possibility you might have gained or lost weight due to a diet change with your new schedule, however I simply feel like clothed are not an important part of my family's lifestyle right now. I do not even make Mika change her clothes every day and I have been only putting on pants if I am planning to leave the house. I did need to buy new underwear this week and I whined about how much a six-pack of men’s underwear costs.

I am sure part of my reluctance to spend money on clothes or most any other object has to do with two factors. First, I am a cheapskate for almost every purchase I make. I absolutely believe there are little luxury items a person loves that you should always spend the extra money on if you can. I am happy to drink generic brand grapefruit soda, however nobody in my family can seem to find it in the store. I do not need to have Squirt; I do not think it tastes any different. When I used to drink Diet Coke, I would not drink any other brand; it was Diet Coke or nothing. You may discover there is a certain brand or type of jeans you really like because of how they fit or look. Second, I am downsizing. I am trying very hard (even though my progress says otherwise) to get rid of all the clutter in my home. The idea of bringing more clothes into my house I will wear for a year, maybe three, simply does not interest me. Mika grows so fast I wait until our yearly try on times in early August and during winter break to determine if she needs new clothes or I can wait until the next round up closet clearing.

My piece of advice to you is enjoy as much of the summer (or any) break with your children as you can. Unfortunately, so many of us do not have my flexible part-time schedule to be able to dedicate so much time each year to running the streets with my children, so treasure each day you get to enjoy their childhood with them; childhood is gone in a mere blink of an eye.

Until next time,
Susanne

Please check out my GoFundMe page.

Wednesday, May 20, 2020
This morning, I woke up two hours before my older daughter, Megan, arrived to get me out of bed for the day. I watched an episode of Monk, which is a murder show I really like. In the episode I watched this morning, Monk was poisoned and likely to die because the doctors did not know what he was poisoned with, so they did not have an antidote. Monk is a germaphobe and afraid of pretty much any substance he encounters. The statement Monk made that really resonated with me was, “Vomit is worse than death.” I have mentioned before that vomiting is my Achilles heel, and anytime I have vomited during the past three years I was thinking the same thought Monk's character was.

Once I was up for the day, it was time to get my eight-year-old, Mika, ready to eat her breakfast and do a little bit of schoolwork. Mika's last day of school is tomorrow, and because I am a mean mom, I am still making sure she does the bare basics the district has assigned for the elementary students to do. Mika asked if she could eat chocolate cake for breakfast because she still had birthday cake from Monday since we did not have a party due to COVID-19. Because I am an awesome mom, I told Mika, “Go ahead, eat chocolate cake for breakfast.” After Mika finished her birthday cake for breakfast, I made her do schoolwork right away this morning, so I was a mean mom again. Such is my lot in life.

Today we had a play date with my friend, Crystal, and her two daughters, Lily an Alice. A play date was the reason Mika needed to finish her schoolwork early this morning, and the fact Mika does not go to an in-person school currently is the reason we were able to have a play date on a school day. Crystal is one of my volunteers who reads my journal entries onto video to post on my YouTube channel. Crystal likes to read the entries which include her and her family, so she will, most likely, be reading this journal entry when it appears on my YouTube channel in the future. Since I edit the videos Crystal sends me before I post them online, I gave her some tips so she would feel more confident while recording the videos. I will share one with you. Do not have the camera look up at you; it is not a flattering angle. An up angle gives too much neck. I would probably look like a giraffe because my neck is so long.

I was feeling cold, and the sun was shining brightly outside, so Crystal and I went outside on my patio for me to sit in the sunshine and Crystal to sit in the shade. We watched the girls play and Crystal decided it was time to get a little philosophical and asked me why I do not believe in God. You know someone is truly your friend when they can ask you about a topic that is so personal and controversial and truly be interested in your reasoning without trying to change your mind. (Crystal is one of the four friends I mentioned the other day.) There are several reasons I do not believe in God, however we mostly talked about one reason I do not believe in God. Today's topic is probably second on my list of the reasons I do not have a relationship with God (if I made a list).

If you feel my disbelief in God is not a subject you want to hear about, please stop reading now. I do not judge anyone if they disagree with me on this reason. My intent is not to make anyone feel I think they are inferior to me because they do not think the same way I do because I do not compare myself to others, so please do not compare yourself to me. If you choose to read my thoughts and decide I am completely out of touch, good for you! Stay true to yourself. I am staying true to myself by writing my words out loud.

One of the reasons I choose not to have a relationship with God is because I do not feel I need God. Please remember, I am in a completely different place in my life than you are. I have seen a relationship with God be an invaluable part of other people's life, however I have never felt the need to pursue a relationship with God to improve my own life. I saw many people “find” God when I was in the rehabilitation hospital after the accident that left me paralyzed. I took responsibility for the fact I was the one who fell asleep while driving and never felt I needed any help to deal with the consequences. If Megan had been killed in the automobile accident or I had killed someone else, my point of view may have been completely different.

When I was fighting the flesh-eating disease and spent 13 months in the hospital, six of which I was told daily I would die, I never felt the need to reach out to God. I have had an amazing life and have been content with my life since I was a young child. I could be wrong, but I believe my inner contentment is a large portion of why I do not feel I need to have a relationship with God. I do not believe I am going to heaven, I do not believe I am going to hell. I do not believe I am going to live forever on the earth. I believe when I die my soul is extinguished right along with me and I do not feel the need to have more than the life I have lived. Would I rather have more years in the life I have now? Of course, but I do not get to make that choice, and I do not believe God is making it either.

My piece of advice to you is to decide your path for yourself. If a relationship with God makes you feel fulfilled, pursue it to the fullest. If you feel contentment without a relationship to God, do not feel ashamed or embarrassed because so many other people feel differently than you. You get to choose your own beliefs and create your own values. Do not give your power to anyone else.

Until next time,
Susanne

Please check out my GoFundMe page.

Tuesday, May 19, 2020 
Yesterday, which was my eight-year-old’s, Mika, birthday, I wrote about how I have four good friends who help keep me sane. Yesterday afternoon one of those friends, Rene, called me. When Rene calls, we usually talk at least half an hour and many times two hours or more. Rene and I talk family for a few minutes and what has been happening in the past month or so since we spoke last, and then we usually talk politics. Rene is one of my favorite people to talk about politics with. Rene is probably a registered Republican however he is open minded, and I think he might vote for a Democrat if he believed in the person. (I could be wrong; I do not usually ask Rene how he votes.)
 
Please do not think I am bashing Republicans because I would make the same statement about Democrats if Rene were a registered Democrat. I am an unaffiliated voter because I generally choose the person instead of the political party. It has been my observation that many of my friends who are registered as part of a political party generally vote a party ticket instead of a person ticket. Until Donald Trump became the defacto leader of the Republican party if I knew nothing about the Democrat or the Republican running for a particular office, I almost always chose the Republican because I lean conservative politically.
 
I think Donald Trump did make a few positive moves as president; however, I find the personality he shows to the world so toxic I am not able to look past it and I have recently been morally opposed to vote for politicians who support him. Many of my conservative friends were able to still vote for Donald Trump, but my conscious would not allow me to do so. I am happy to be morally opposed to a candidate no matter which political party they belong to. I also did not vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016 because I felt she was a bad role model for my daughters, but that is a story for another day. I think Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin (sorry John McCain), and Donald Trump are the only candidates I remember I could not put aside my own judgment towards and look at their records unprejudiced. My friend Rene does not hold my occasionally very biased opinions against me, and I do not think less of him if he does not feel the same way I do. The most important part about Rene, which he told me yesterday, is he does not mind I never call him because I am always so happy when he identifies himself and he can hear my excitement through the phone line.
 
Yesterday, Rene filled my soul, and today I attended one of my women's business networking groups via Zoom. Two days in a row of soul filling is very important during this time of disease and isolation. I do not like large group networking on Zoom as much as I like it in person. The one-to-one connection is usually lacking in a large Zoom group. When you are at a large group in person, you frequently mingle throughout the room and may speak to five to 15 people for a few minutes individually which is the part I find the most fulfilling. Since I have quit trying to build my business due to my death sentence, I am mostly interested in catching up with friends rather than meeting possible new customers. As far as networking to build your business I do not think it makes a difference whether you network in person or via Zoom because you always need to follow up to make the connection which will lead to a referral to you or from you; or you doing business with their business or vice versa; or you collaborating with their business on a joint project. Generally, those type of doing business together decisions are not made during an initial introduction.
 
My piece of advice to you is to top off your soul as much as possible. My soul is overflowing today because I have had two days in a row of very positive experiences. I know going forward through this pandemic there will be days when I wish I could feel as content as I feel today, and it will be difficult because I will see the reports on the news of people dying and Mika and I will still be spending most our time at home this summer because I am at high risk of dying from COVID-19. A Zoom networking event is better than no networking event at all so I will attend as many as I can until we are able to meet in person again.

Until next time,
Susanne

Please check out my GoFundMe page.

Monday, May 18, 2020
Today is my baby girl’s birthday! I do not need to be concerned any more about leaving my seven-year-old, Mika, behind without helping her grow into an amazing young woman. Now I get to be concerned I will leave my eight-year-old behind without helping her grow into an amazing young woman. Such is life. Mika does not like me still calling her Baby Girl, but it was her name for the first three days of her life until her dad, Donald, and I decided on her name. In our defense, Mika was born seven weeks early and Donald vetoed the name I chose. To protect privacy, all the children in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) were referred to as Baby Girl or Baby Boy and their last name, so Mika was Baby Girl Whited for one month.

Mika started today in the bathtub. After Mika was sparkling clean, she and her older sister, Megan, went outside to photograph Mika for birthday pictures. I recorded a few minutes of the excitement with the video camera, and then came back indoors. Mika has the tendency to force her smile and make funny faces, so I am simply an extra distraction she does not need while trying to take a good picture. Megan did get some very nice photographs of Mika, and I consider the photoshoot a success. Mika spent the rest of today after her photo shoot basically doing whatever she wanted. I think it was a mostly good day for all of us.

Yesterday was not nearly as enjoyable a day as today turned out to be. Mika did finish her schoolwork by 1:00 p.m., and we left for Target to choose her birthday gift at 1:30 p.m. Mika thinks she is grown and should be able to make all her own decisions. Mika has felt no one should tell her what to do since she was in Head Start and learned she could tell adults no while being taught about sexual abuse. Mika has mostly ignored my directions since she was about 18 months old and realized I could not “make” her do any particular task. I know I was a very opinionated child and thought I knew everything until I was in my 20s, however I do not think I was quite as extreme as Mika.

Mika will fight you about her being correct on absolutely any topic even when she is completely wrong because she is eight years old and does not have any life experience. I am trying very hard to break Mika of this habit because I knew adults who never grew out of this phase of their life and nobody likes them. I am not attached to people liking me and I hope Mika will not be attached to everyone liking her, but you still need a few good friends even if you are very self-reliant. I have four of what I would consider really good friends and approximately 20 friends I communicate with semi regularly, but rarely socialize with. I also have approximately one hundred acquaintances I see frequently at networking events and hope to see again when COVID-19 releases its stranglehold on the world. I feel my four good friends keep me sane.

Yesterday, during the near daily schoolwork meltdown, Mika said to me, “You are not the one living life as a prisoner.” You might think this statement is related to the lack of activities we have been doing due to COVID-19; however, you would be wrong. I have been trying to break Mika of her electronics addiction also, but I am failing for the most part. I do not let Mika use the computer other than for the two online programs that are part of her schoolwork the district assigns each week since they gave up trying to teach our children for the fourth quarter, until she completes her schoolwork for the day. Yesterday, we were not leaving to go to Target until Mika finished the schoolwork assigned for today because, as I mentioned yesterday, I do not want to fight with her on her birthday.

My piece of advice to you is to stick to your guns. I do not put restrictions on Mika to hurt her, I am trying to help her grow into the best person she can be. I hope someday Mika understands the good intentions in my actions, however she may grow up to be a mother hater. Fortunately, I will likely be dead when Mika grows up and writes her scathing memoir about how horrible her mother was to her in her early years. Whatever issues kids have when they grow up are usually the mother’s fault, even if Mom is not there.

Until next time,
Susanne

Please check out my GoFundMe page.

Sunday, May 17, 2020
I am putting knuckle to keyboard on a journal entry page for the first time in a week. I mean those words literally. I have completely blank pages for a few days. I plan to write some notes in those pages later today. I do not know what I am going to nickname this new type of chemotherapy drug I started last Friday, but it will not be nice. This is the eighth day in a row I get out of bed and then have trouble breathing. The difficulty breathing passes after a few hours, but I am tired because it takes so much effort to breathe. This morning I almost passed out trying to blow my nose. The lack of oxygen is definitely affecting my motivational mojo.

Tomorrow is my seven-year-old’s, Mika, eighth birthday. I wonder how many times I will need to rewrite Mika’s age during the next few weeks. Mika still has four days left for her school year and Mika is doing tomorrow’s schoolwork today. Mika has already tried to get out of doing schoolwork this morning by asking me if she could push the schoolwork back to tomorrow. I told Mika I was not going to fight with her about schoolwork on her birthday, so she needs to do it today. I also have a very big carrot dangling for today.

A few days ago, Mika asked me what I was getting her for her birthday. Usually, the answer is a big, fat nothing. I pay for a birthday party and a birthday photography session; I think that is enough. This year, however, I am not paying for either a party or a photography session. Children’s venues are still closed, and the JC Penney portrait studio cancelled Mika’s appointment a week ago. My older daughter, Megan, is going to give Mika a photography session tomorrow. I am sure the girls will have fun changing clothes, hairstyles, and locations for a couple of hours. I will probably record some of the fun with the video camera.

After Mika asked me what I was getting her for her birthday, I asked her if she deserved a gift. Mika, of course, said yes and I asked her what she wanted. Mika looked at me and asked, “Is the toy section open at Target?” Even though I was not planning to shop again at Target for several more weeks, when I saw the smile on Mika’s face when I said yes the toy section is open, I volunteered to take her to Target to choose a birthday gift. I suggested we make our trip to Target tomorrow after Mika and Megan finish their photography shoot. Mika told me she did not want to make the trip on her birthday, she wanted to do it the day before. I agreed we could walk to Target after she finished her schoolwork today.

When Mika came downstairs this morning, she asked me what today is with a sly smile on her face. I told Mika today is Sunday and asked her if she remembered what we are planning to do today. Mika smiled and said we are going to Target after she finishes her schoolwork. All I can figure is that Mika must really miss going to a store, because she is actually doing schoolwork in only four times the time it should take her. Mika has spent a few nights at her sister’s house, so she has been outside our neighborhood during the past nine weeks. I am not sure if Mika is simply excited to go to a store or excited to choose her gift.

It is 11:00 a.m. I am breathing better, and Mika has completed one of her four schoolwork tasks. I am hoping we will leave by 1:00 p.m. for our trip to Target, but that is likely overly optimistic on my part. It takes Mika an hour (on a good day) to read 30 minutes because she takes 15 minutes to adjust her reading space and then I need to stop time for bathroom breaks and talking. Mika just started her math worksheets and then she has an online reading assignment and an online math assignment to do. Mika would be done with all three tasks in less than an hour if she would quit looking for ways to put off completing her work.

My piece of advice to you is to join the club. Millions of parents across the country are learning how their child relates to schoolwork. I learned homeschooling Mika is not an option for me because we would end up hating each other within a few weeks. Sometimes the best way to tell your child you love them is to promise never to homeschool them.

Until next time,
Susanne

Please check out my GoFundMe page.