I am having trouble picking an idea to write about today. That is an unusual problem for me. I am usually bursting with ideas and, as I have mentioned previously, if I have trouble writing about my idea, I simply write the idea down and come back to it when I feel like writing. Today, my idea factory is closed. I think something I did yesterday led to the closure of my idea factory today.
On November 1, 2019 I started posting my daily journal pages on a blog I created for that purpose. I write every day, however I am posting to the blog every other day, so I do not get stressed if I am sick for a few days and cannot write. Yesterday, I posted the link to my first blog post on my Facebook profile.
I honestly did not think my post would get any traction. I do not like Facebook. I quit reading my Facebook feed more than five years ago and very rarely post on my personal profile. Facebook wants to think for me, and I do not play that game. Because I so rarely post to my profile and Facebook uses their algorithms to show users what Facebook thinks is relevant to those users, I figured three of my friends might see my post.
I was wrong. I received a few comments on that post from the people who saw it. Then Facebook, in its infinite wisdom, decided that since the people who had seen the post interacted with it, the post should be shown to more of my friends. Those friends made comments. I think the algorithm is finished torturing me, but I had to read all those comments. I usually only need to deal with Facebook comments on my birthday and fortunately that is only once a year (unfortunately my birthday is in two weeks).
What is wrong with Facebook comments, you wonder. When people comment on my profile posts, I feel obligated to read them and respond. The comments Sunday were not my annual, have a great day posts I get on my birthday. No. These were heart-felt, you mean so much to me messages. I was not ready for the onslaught.
Yesterday I was still in Angry Susanne mode which is a heightened emotional state and all those thoughtful comments brought water to my eyes and I had to work hard to keep the water from falling out. There were so many kind words I felt overwhelmed. And, the comments kept coming. I shut off Facebook so I could get a grip.
This morning there were more comments thanks to that horrible Facebook algorithm. So, once again, I needed to face an onslaught of emotions. Angry Susanne mode has passed, so it was easier today, however I am exhausted. My little stoic brain has been battling the sadness those lovely comments tried to bring me for 24 hours.
I plan to live in the denial (but prepare) stage of grief until the end and each one those kind, beautiful, thoughtful comments was like a movie in my head. I know Julie Davis was crying when she wrote her note to me and I could see her crying in my head. I could feel the love oozing from Liz Kettle’s words and I could feel the hug she was giving me. Those feelings make this situation real and I am not ready to be real.
My piece of advice to you is jump in even if you are not ready. I was emotionally overwhelmed by the response to my post. I will still post my next blog on my personal Facebook profile. Each of the upcoming comments will hurt me a little. Those little pinpricks of pain now will help shield me when real life rears its ugly head and denial is no longer an option.
Until next time,
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