Another blank journal entry page, another old blog post. I am writing the first and last paragraph of this journal entry in May 2021. I posted this second pregnancy entry to a blog I called The Quad Mama on October 16, 2012. I titled this entry Denial, My Favorite Friend. Even eight years ago, I was reluctant to admit the truth in my life.
"Here is a little bit of my back history. My son has been out of the house for five years and my daughter is a senior in high school. I confess; my life for the last several years has been defined by my children and I am okay with that. I have planned my vacation time around school schedules for so many years I was beginning to wonder how I would plan after my daughter's graduation. So, here I am tooling along with my life finally coming to terms with the fact both my children are almost grown. And then I miss a period. Not really life shattering. I am getting older. Sometimes you just miss even though I am regular. The chance of pregnancy is in the back of my head but there are so many reasons for me not to be pregnant I simply do not really consider it seriously.
Then I miss a second period. And I think about the fact that last month I was sick for a full week and I have noticed I have been nauseous quite a bit recently. That is where my friend Denial steps into the rescue. I did not get sick when I was pregnant with my two children so why should an upset tummy concern me? There are so many other reasons I could be feeling sick to my stomach. The spinal cord injury hospital I rehabbed at did a study to find out if there was a link between spinal cord injuries and early menopause. So maybe there is a link which could be why I missed a couple of periods. Now mind you I do not know what the results of the study were but when thoughts of pregnancy were looming it is what helped me sleep at night.
Then I miss a third period. Christmas has just passed so I decided I should buy a home pregnancy test while after-Christmas shopping (one of my favorite sports) just so I can get this nagging suspicion out of my head. I scooted over to the family-planning aisle to grab a test (thankfully it was on a shelf I could reach) while my daughter was otherwise occupied. I hid the test under my jacket until I was in the checkout line. As the cashier was ringing up my hundred or so clearance items and my daughter was busy packing them back into the cart, I snuck the test to the cashier and asked her to ring it in and sneak it back to me so my daughter would not see it.
Two days later no one is in the house but me, so I take this opportunity to do the pee test. Now due to my paralysis I do not have fine motor skills in my hands. I can imagine how entertaining it would have been if you could have been a fly on the wall to watch me open the package and administer the test. After waiting the required six hours (really only like 10 minutes but it seemed much longer) there was a very, very, very faint plus sign.
Then my friend Denial steps in again to rescue me. I could barely see the pink line. It does not matter the negative line went in a completely different direction. I am just old and apparently a little irregular. I cannot possibly be pregnant. I am not pregnant until a doctor does a blood test and tells me I am. (Thank you, Denial.) I meet a friend of mine and tell her there is a "chance" I could be pregnant. I have been feeling a little sick, I have missed a few periods and that pee test "might" have been positive. She, of course, tells me I am pregnant. I, of course, (with Denial on my side) tell her there is not a chance of it and when I get to the doctor to take the blood test it is going to be negative. But please do not tell anyone just in case because I have not told anyone else of my suspicions and at my age it would be a very high-risk pregnancy. (But I am not pregnant.)
I finally get an appointment scheduled with my doctor about two weeks later. The day before the appointment, while I am at work, the doctor’s office leaves a message on my machine canceling my appointment. I called the next morning to find out why they canceled my appointment; I was told it was because I require more time since I am in a wheelchair. I, not so politely (Denial has not been visiting me lately), state I am just coming in to have the doctor order a blood test which will take all of five minutes. The doctor’s office reschedules me for the next week. I get the test ordered and two days later I get the call…"
My piece of advice to you is to love Denial if she works for you. I do acknowledge change happens, but I have the tendency to fight it as much as I can with Denial supports me the entire time.
Until next time,
Please check out my GoFundMe page.